Last year, to celebrate the holiday season, I sent out naked photos to my family. As detailed in my post “Tex’s Areolas, Coming to a Mailbox Near You”. Well that was what I threatened to do when I called my Dad to get all of my relatives’ addresses. In actuality, I sent out belated Christmas cards with a fully dressed photo of Tex and me standing on a bridge. Here is the result of last year’s Christmas card writing.

Dear Phillip,

When you woke up this morning, I know the only thing you wanted was to receive a card from your divorced cousin complete with a picture of her “hottie, hottie” boyfriend. It’s what every young person dreams of. I know- that’s why I continue to write awkward correspondence – to make the world a better place. Well except for my Dad’s world. In his card and accompanying picture there may have been hints of future naked Christmas cards to come. I’ve been toying with the idea recently of satirizing the traditional Christmas letter. The only thing that could possibly top that would be to poke fun at the concept of the Christmas card photo, by doing it in the buff. The candy cane is such a versatile goody.

For now you just get a late non-Christmas card and a photo of Tex and me. It’s a tradition in his family to give out photos of the couple to loved ones at holidays. I think I’m going to start wearing a Yoda mask everywhere so all the images we send out leave people wondering whether I’m obsessed with Star Wars or if Tex is just into wizened, green things.

Awkwardly yours,

Unwashed

 

The next card I sent out wasn’t much better.

Only on the back of the photo of Tex and I, was written “Tex “Hottie” Smirnoff and a Bridge Troll”

 

Dear Uncle

I am going to behave. I am going to be proper. I am going to channel the sentiments of the woman on the front of this card and be dull (Van Gogh peasant woman against a background of wheat). This is the eighth card I’ve written and they’ve gotten progressively more wild and bizarre. I’m a little concerned that I might draw and elephant burlesque show on the back of the card just because. But I need to keep my focus and remember the spirit of beyond late Christmas cards is one of somber apologies and an explanation of busyness. So I should get on with it and not try to draw a brassiere which can accommodate a trunk.

Sorry this Christmas card and the accompanying photo are late, it’s not that I’m disorganized; I was just very very busy this past December and January. I mean who else was going to watch every single episode including the bonus features of Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriend’s Bridget Marquardt’s short lived travel show “Bridget’s Beaches ?

This kind of exceptional filming making takes precedence to the rest of life on occasion. My deepest apologies. Hopefully Hef will keep his previous flames under control and off of the televisions for the next holiday season. Then I might have a hope of getting cards out before the New Year.

Much belated love,

Unwashed

P.S. The photo was included because it is a tradition in Tex’s family to distribute pictures of the couple to loved ones. That sort of explains the reason for the card. But not the contents, those I don’t think could ever be explained.

 

On the back I printed

“No scantily clad mammals here. Sorry?