I called my father yesterday “Dad I need everyone in the family’s addresses, I’ve misplaced my address book”.

“What are you sending?” he asked. “Naked pictures, Tex and I had tasteful nudes done and we want to share them.” There was a moment of silence as my father waited for me to laugh, and then another moment as he attempted to decide whether I was being serious. “Oh you just love to pull my leg” he said hopefully, anticipating my confession that I was joking. I rushed onwards “They’re very understated, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Tex’s nipples look quite so attractive. I’ll take Aunty Camelia’s and her children’s addresses first.”

My poor Dad, thrown off by my failure to admit that it is a joke and no doubt a mental image of Tex’s nipples in his head, started to blindly recite his sister’s address, hoping to get me off of the phone before I started describing other parts of Tex’s or my anatomy also likely in a hurry to find someone to open his mail for the next couple of weeks.

After giving me the eighth family member’s address, he asked again “Now what is this for?” I caved slightly and answered “In Tex’s family, they give out photos of the couple to other family members at Christmas; we’ve just put our own spin on it. As you can see I’m a little late.” At this my Dad seemed a little more hopeful that he wouldn’t be receiving a photo of my boyfriend tastefully holding a puppy over his junk in the mail. However my recent inappropriate Christmas gift to my grandmother of framed modeling photos of my cousin’s swimsuit fashion show still loomed large in his mind and gave an unsure tone to his voice as he asked “Who else do you need to send these too?”

Once I had secured every person in our family’s addresses including my elderly great aunts, I bid my father adieu. He hung up reluctantly, now unsure whether he needed to find someone to open his mail and my grandmother’s as well.

Addendum- While reading this post aloud to text to check for errors, Tex panicked and asked whether I had in fact enclosed topless photos of him. Priceless.

*Names have been changed to protect the identities of those whose naked images may have been sent to everyone I know.