It’s important to keep your options open, which is why I routinely send written marriage proposals to any number of men that I’ve never met. In these letters I cite the reasons why holy matrimony is perfect for the two of us.

Dear Rob Ford,

Please marry me. I’m a minimalist hippie, hence I don’t buy items like fancy glass paperweights, and as a result whenever I open the windows on a blustery day, my documents fly everywhere. If you were my husband, I’d have you sit on these unruly stacks of paper, thus saving myself from redoing hours of filing. Based on how your weight loss challenge went, I’m assuming you don’t like to move much, so I feel this would be a match made in sedentary marital heaven.

In the event that you did want to move about, we could get you a wheelie desk that would double as a chair. I’m quite short so this lowered desk concept would work well for me when you aren’t sitting on it. This would also serve the dual purpose of allowing you to relive your glory days of elementary school gym.

I’ve enclosed a photo of a scooter board to give you an idea of how the desk cum scooter board cum chair would look.

The desk would be just like this, only a little higher, also larger obviously to accommodate my electricity and gas bills. You could lie on your stomach I suppose, sometimes I feel too lazy to sit up too. (Photo Credit: http://www.thinkingtoys.ie)

Please write me back if you’re interested.  Just a heads up, I’m not willing to move to Toronto, so you would have to quit your job and move here. Based on what I’ve heard on the news, that might not be the worst thing in the world.

Much future love,

The Great Unwashed