Famine, Pestilence and Trump: The Plagues of the United States and Preparing for those Horsemen

Dear America,

Sorry you’re cursed. Incredibly sorry, because as Canadians we’re neighbours, so if the United States inundated with milkweed and other noxious weeds, in all likelihood so are we.

But getting back to the heart of the matter, America, you’re cursed. Or at least, I’d like to believe you are. Because it would be awful to imagine that you chose to put Trump into power. Not that we your countrymen of the North have any right to throw stones. After all, we are the masterminds behind the global joke that was Rob Ford. The difference was we put our buffoon in charge of a city, America, you put yours in charge of a country. For FOUR YEARS.

A mistake of that magnitude can be the result of one of two things, mass idiocy or a mass cursing. Again, we chose this guy.


He’s a winner. (Photo Credit: theglobeandmail.com)

So we can’t judge, consequently, America, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and instead believing that you’ve angered the gods.

In light of this smiting, there are a couple of precautions Americans should take:

  1. Move all laundry indoors, I know you people are all excited about the green movement, but given the events of the past couple of days, the locusts are coming soon and you’re going to need your underpants for what comes next.
  2. Contact that uncle who’s a carpenter. Yes, your computing friend who does work for Google, can solve any technological problem, but he knows diddly squat about ark building.
  3. Avoid all aquariums and the seaside, also possibly nearby lakes. The gods are ticked, at this point any marine animal might gobble you up. Being swallowed by manatees or invasive carp is just not a good way to go.
  4. Be wary of colourful outerwear and siblings. That brother who stuffed a sock in your mouth when you were little? He’s high on the list for selling you into slavery. Shove that brilliant red Isaac Mirzahi coat to the back of your closet and chose more drab garb for the time being. Canceling family brunches is an idea too.
  5. Find Charleton Heston. Moses is dead, so the next most likely candidate to lead persecuted people out of a tight spot is this gun toting specimen of a man. Even if he can’t part large bodies of water, my guess is that his stock pile of firearms would scare the dickens out of any adversary.
  6. Scratch that last one, apparently Charleton Heston is dead too.

America, those are all my ideas to help you aside from the obvious options which are prayer and hugging a Muslim because they’re having a rough time of it right now.


The Great Unwashed

Dear Rob Ford, Let’s Get Hitched

It’s important to keep your options open, which is why I routinely send written marriage proposals to any number of men that I’ve never met. In these letters I cite the reasons why holy matrimony is perfect for the two of us.

Dear Rob Ford,

Please marry me. I’m a minimalist hippie, hence I don’t buy items like fancy glass paperweights, and as a result whenever I open the windows on a blustery day, my documents fly everywhere. If you were my husband, I’d have you sit on these unruly stacks of paper, thus saving myself from redoing hours of filing. Based on how your weight loss challenge went, I’m assuming you don’t like to move much, so I feel this would be a match made in sedentary marital heaven.

In the event that you did want to move about, we could get you a wheelie desk that would double as a chair. I’m quite short so this lowered desk concept would work well for me when you aren’t sitting on it. This would also serve the dual purpose of allowing you to relive your glory days of elementary school gym.

I’ve enclosed a photo of a scooter board to give you an idea of how the desk cum scooter board cum chair would look.

The desk would be just like this, only a little higher, also larger obviously to accommodate my electricity and gas bills. You could lie on your stomach I suppose, sometimes I feel too lazy to sit up too. (Photo Credit: www.thinkingtoys.ie)

The desk would be just like this, only a little higher, also larger obviously to accommodate my electricity and gas bills. You could lie on your stomach I suppose, sometimes I feel too lazy to sit up too. (Photo Credit: http://www.thinkingtoys.ie)

Please write me back if you’re interested.  Just a heads up, I’m not willing to move to Toronto, so you would have to quit your job and move here. Based on what I’ve heard on the news, that might not be the worst thing in the world.

Much future love,

The Great Unwashed