It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s a Couch for You to Pick Up as Long as You Aren’t Picky

This couch has seen better days, heck, this couch has seen better decades but if you want a comfortable place to rest your butt, well you’ll need to find another piece of furniture. While this sectional no longer is a good place to sit, it still has lots of life in it as long as you’re thinking outside the box.

Although this couch’s cushions lost most of their padding near the end of the Obama years, you’ll never find a better or more ingenious way to prevent teenage pregnancy. Got a daughter but you aren’t liberal enough to give her birth control pills? Use this couch. The jute upholstery will scratch the back off a teenager faster than a power sander. A short session of chesterfield rugby will leave all participants looking like they were dragged behind a car over a gravel road.

Teach your children tenacity using this couch. One of the recliners stopped working years ago but will still fold out if you yank on the right bottom corner. Another benefit is you can teach your children left from right as you watch them sweat from the effort of yanking on the bottom left corner.

This couch also doubles as emergency rations. After six years of living in a house with young children, it’s absorbed enough yogurt, applesauce and Goldfish crumbs to sustain the country of Estonia for three months. Making it the ideal piece of furniture to pack if you ever plan to be stranded on a desert island or the lone survivor of a mountaintop plane crash.

Though it’s about as comfortable as an unplugged chainsaw to sit on, this couch still has plenty of uses. With the cushions off, the base makes an excellent trampoline. Put the mouthy kid from next door on the spot where the metal wire sticks out. I doubt they’ll come around anymore.

Having trouble convincing your friends that you’re cultured? Proudly display the artistic petroglyphs made from Babybel cheese wax on the back of the couch. In theory the drawings could be washed out but at this point, dirt and a couple lone stitches are all that’s holding this thing together.

This formerly fine piece of furniture would be a great asset to any home with preschool age kids. Not only do the cushions make a better fort than padding for your rear, but the stuffing makes great impromptu snow storms. Plus there’s no concern of wrecking the cushions because this couch is a cat that used up all of its nine lives then went and borrowed from the bank.

This much abused, former beauty can be all yours providing you show up with two large men and a truck. It’s free but let’s be clear here- no refunds or returns.

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