Finding Inner Peace with Children: Namest-Hey Put That Down!

Once a week, I attend a class where women stand on mats, jiggle babies and talk about Namaste. It’s called “Baby Yoga”. Because babies need to do yoga because life is hard. Or maybe because moms need yoga, to find inner peace. Regardless, here are instructions on how best to discover calm with a small child.

10:14 – Arrive for the 10:15 baby yoga class. Do a small victory dance over not being late then sprint up the stairs because still need to roll out mat, set up “nest” for Mini-Tex that he won’t use and lay out range of toys for him to ignore.

10:15-10:18 – Shuck off layers and layers and layers of clothing because only crazy people decide to walk in the frigid cold with their babies. Run on tiptoe to not disturb other women who are supposed to be focusing on their breathing but are nursing or swaddling their babies.

10:19- Lie on mat with eyes closed, pretending to focus on breathing but actually listening to Mini-Tex crawl towards a group of unsuspecting three month olds.

10:20- Cock open an eye only to see Mini-Tex playing three month old’s head like a set of bongos. Forget all intentions of inner peace and sprint to move Mini-Tex away from bewildered three month old.

10:21- Am instructed to sit Mini-Tex on lap and do sitting version of cat and cow. The three month olds sit placidly in other mother’s laps. Mini-Tex wiggles his way out of my arms and takes off. Continue doing cat and cow.

10:22 – Inhale, am cat. Exhale, release all tension associated with carrying small person everywhere. Inhale am cat again. Exhale, am cow. Inhale, cat. Exha-where is Mini-Tex? Out of corner of my eye spot him ripping toy out of smaller baby’s hands. Jump up to return stolen plaything.

10:23 – Other moms are windshield wiper-ing knees back and forth. Attempt to convince Mini-Tex to play with toys from home. Mini-Tex has seen said toys and prefers other babies’ toys.

10:24 – Mini Tex takes off, invariably to steal someone’s rattle. Lay back into butterfly pose.

10:25- Feel tension releasing from lower back. Hear noise. Is sound of Mini-Tex climbing all over woman on next mat over. Leap up to move him, feel tension returning as apologize profusely to woman.

10:26 – Carry Mini-Tex to far side of room to area with lots of toys and blankets. Lay back down on mat and lift rear end into bridge pose.

10:27 – Breathe in bridge pose. Close eyes, love bridge pose.

10:28 – Breathe in. Fill self with air. Breathe out, remember how calm feels. Realize Mini-Tex is uncharacteristically silent. Open eyes to see Mini-Tex once more using woman on next mat as jungle gym.

10:29 – Grab Mini-Tex while repeating “Sorry. So sorry” over and over while transporting him back to “nest” next to mat.

10:30- Being in tree pose gives excellent bird’s eye view of Mini-Tex pulling leaves off of nearby decorative tree. Dash to relocate Mini-Tex and save greenery.

10:31 – Lug surprisingly heavy tree into yoga studio bathroom and close door. Mini-Tex has made his way across room and is yanking lamp cord out of wall. Rush to prevent damage to lamp and store it with tree in bathroom.

10:32 – Instructor picks up Mini-Tex and carries him to demonstrate warrior one.

10:33 – Am strong warrior, focus on breathing and keeping knees over big toes.

10:34- Instructor continues to hold Mini-Tex to demonstrate warrior two. Am composed of straight, relaxed lines. Am zen.

10:35 – Mountain pose to chaturanga. Feel peaceful intention slowly returning while instructor wrangles squiggling Mini-Tex.

10:36 – Instructor lets Mini-Tex down to show class proper downward dog. Class follows along. Hear surprised yelp from instructor, look up to see Mini-Tex pulling on her bun as instructor tries to lower to child’s pose. Race to remove tiny baby fingers from instructor’s hair.

10:37 – Place Mini-Tex back in play area at far side of studio. Sit back on mat and rock foot like baby with fingers interlaced between toes.

10:38 – Switch sides to rock other foot and open up other toes. Mini-Tex crawls across room at top speed and grabs hold of curtains to closet, then yanks with all his might. Drop foot baby to catch actual baby.

10:39- 10:47 – Accept defeat and play with Mini-Tex quietly in corner while other women with docile babies in adjacent “nests” do yoga poses.

10:47 – Shavasna.

10:48 – 10:50 – Decide to attempt shavasna pose. Stretch out on mat while Mini-Tex blows raspberries on all available patches of skin.

10: 51- 11:05 – Visit with ladies and well behaved babies. Intercept Mini-Tex’s attempts at toy thievery. Apologize profusely.

11:06 – 11:10 – Layer up. Feeling surprisingly exhausted despite not having done any poses.

11:15 – Find inner peace as Mini-Tex falls asleep in carrier during walk home.

Waking Up With Robin Williams

Good Morning, Vietnam

This is of course every man’s dream; waking up next to a sweaty, bellowing comedian. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

At 6:30 PM on Friday I was nearly face down in my dinner. “I’m going to bed at eight” I murmured to Roscoe. “That’s fine but you are not allowed to get up at 4 AM” he replied. While most people get into a cycle of staying up late and sleeping in later on weekends, my bad habit is going to sleep earlier and getting up before the crack of dawn. This wouldn’t be a problem were it not for my behaviour in the morning. Unfortunately for Roscoe I’m one of those people who bolts upright in bed, punching the air and bellowing “Hello World. Let’s go!”

 

For Roscoe’s sake I try to keep a lid on it and not immediately start jumping around like a three year old hopped up on sugar, I give it about two hours. However two hours later when you’ve gotten up at four o’clock in the morning is still six o’clock in the morning on a Saturday. Hence why Roscoe prefers to move my grand entrance back one hour.

 

Our morning routine begins as such, after the magical two hours have passed, I throw open the door to the bedroom and with all of the subtlety of Robin Williams in “Good Morning Vietnam” say “GOOOOOOOOOD Morrrrrrrrrning Roscoooooooe”. Then I launch myself into the air and onto the bed. Sometimes Roscoe is inadvertently head butted by my exuberance at this point. However he doesn’t have a moment to regroup and think “Did my wife really just head butt me in the nose?” because I’m already shooting statements and questions at him rapid fire. “It’s morning! I’m awake. Watch me do downward dog. Do you see how my heels touch the ground? Isn’t that great? I think we should have eggs for breakfast. Can I make you a coffee? We need to go on a walk.”

 

This is invariably followed by Roscoe uttering very nicely but through gritted teeth “I just. Need. A minute.” I’ll then bounce out of the room, the doorway practically vibrating with the energy I’m giving off and make my way into the kitchen which is located directly behind the bedroom. “AAAAAAAAeeeeeggggs. I love eggs.” I’ll sing, or some other similar song while Roscoe groans into his pillow.

 

He’ll give up the pretense of getting any more rest after about five minutes of me warbling and crashing pots and pans in the next room but I think he needs those extra moments of quasi slumber. One can understand why he rejoices when I sleep in past seven though.