My family’s nickname for me is “bitey-scratchy” because supposedly I can be difficult to get along with. It was more of a concern when I was younger because allegedly childhood and school are about socialization and learning to be nice to people. Lucky for me, school systems gave up holding people back otherwise I might have spent many a year in kindergarten for being a unsocialable curmudgeon.
I loved this post because it contained elements of that as well as the timeless experience of having to give Valentines to people you don’t actually like or know well. Only one more day of the countdown to my three year blogiversary.
Every February, without fail, I would painstakingly write out all of my classmates’ names and then sign my own on the Barbie/Ninja Turtle/ Rainbow Bright pre-cut Valentines my mother bought. It was a painstaking process. Mostly because I didn’t like the majority of the people I was giving them to. A fact that concerned my parents, “Unwashed, we’re sending you to therapy, you don’t have any friends, so you need to learn how to play nice.”
The biggest problem was that I didn’t want to play nice. However that argument didn’t work on the playground or in heart-covered, impromptu, paper bag mailboxes. So every year, I dutifully wrote out all my classmates’ names on individual tiny cards and signed my own.
Here are the Valentines I wanted to write.
To : Jimmy
The sound you make when you blow your nose is super gross. Also please stop putting your used Kleenexes in my desk, that’s grosser.
From : Unwashed
To: Janice
I like your pony bracelet. I liked it less after you beaned me with it. I hope ponies bite.
From : Unwashed
To: Joshua
My feelings for you are ambivalent- my mom made me write this card.
From : Unwashed
To : Ainsley
I noticed you wear a training bra. Is this because you have breasts? How did you grow them? Please send me instructions.
From : Unwashed
To : Damien
Farting with your armpits is only funny sometimes. You don’t seem to understand this based on the daily fake flatulence symphonies our class is treated to.
From : Unwashed
To : Jordan
You scare me. Sometimes I wish that a piano will fall on you. All the other times I run when I see you coming.
From : Unwashed
To : Austin
I like you. I think our wedding should be teddy bear themed.
From : Unwashed
After three sessions I decided I liked talking to the therapist even less than the kids at school, so I cut a deal with my parents that I would make friends if I didn’t have to go to therapy anymore. I think this process wouldn’t have gone nearly as well had I expressed my true sentiments through my Valentine cards.
The Great Unwashed 