Travesty Tuesday- The Wedding Invitation Edition

Dear Peeps,

You are invited to attend the wild rumpus which celebrates the wedding of Unwashed and Tex, who were married on August 10th 2015 on Lightninghill despite the curse and the First Nations people’s refusal to visit said place. A GIANT storm occurred right after the ceremony so it’s possible everyone invited will be hexed for rejoicing about the aforementioned union.

The celebration will be held at the Legion Hall in Backwater Boomtown on Saturday September 5th 2015. The dress code is casual to naked as indicated by the front of this card. Cocktails 5pm, dinner 6:30, possible thunderstorm to follow. Please leave large metal sticks, umbrellas and over-sized antennas at home.

I don't think there's an image around that captures both true love and wild rumpus. (Photo Credit : Bellagio cards and some very well known painter that I really ought to know the name of )

I don’t think there’s an image around that captures both true love and wild rumpus. (Photo Credit : Bellagio cards and some very well known painter that I really ought to know the name of )

RSVP sarahwritescreativethingshere@gmail.com or by carrier pigeon.

Much warmth and a potential old voodoo spell,

The Great Unwashed

For the record, had I known about the superstition surrounding Lightninghill, I might not have been so eager to get married there. As it was, Tex’s brother decided to tell everyone AFTER the ceremony that we might be cursed. That night, I sat ramrod straight in bed while the most violent thunderstorm I have ever experience all but rocked the farm house off its foundation. Tex had left the room to close the basement windows so I was left all alone to clutch my knees and apologize to whatever force it was that I had angered for getting married on Lightninghill while being convinced that I was going to die by a random outpouring of electrons finding the quickest path to earth.

My sister-in-law kindly pointed out that being the tallest place in the area, historically it likely incurred the most lightning strikes, (thus the name) and it takes only a couple of dead people to start a rumour.

True Cowboy Love

This was an actual conversation that occurred between me and Tex

Tex – “Unwashed, I’m packing for the wedding, which gun do you want out of the gun cabinet to come to the farm?”

The Great Unwashed – “I don’t want the guns out of the cabinet here, I want the little gun.”

Tex – “You mean the hand gun?”

The Great Unwashed – “No not the hand gun, the little gun at the farm!”

Tex – “I thought you wanted a shot gun. Let’s bring the shot gun.”

The Great Unwashed – “My family is going to cack their pants because there will be a gun at the wedding as it is, you CANNOT bring your shot gun. We are using the old gun that’s at the farm, it will look good in pictures.”

Tex – “Well if we’re going to use a farm gun can’t we use the lever action Winchester .30-30? It’s old, it’s the style of gun John Wayne would have used.”

Enthusiastic person inquiring about my wedding- “What are your colours?” The Great Unwashed “John Wayne.” This generally stops all questioning in its tracks*. (Photo Credit : death2ur.com)

Enthusiastic person inquiring about my wedding- “What are your colours?” The Great Unwashed “John Wayne.” This generally stops all questioning in its tracks*. (Photo Credit : death2ur.com)

The Great Unwashed – “No! We’re using the older gun that sometimes misfires**.” Stops mid thought. “Can we continue this conversation when I’m not on the phone please?” In a lower voice into the receiver. “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation.”

Luckily this interaction occurred while I was on the phone with Sula, who had just returned from three months of riding across the Arctic on an ATV with a rifle strapped to her back and using a toilet that was made by blasting a hole through the bottom of a chair. Hence a discussion of which firearm to bring to Tex’s and my wedding didn’t seem outrageous.

*For the record we don’t have wedding colours, and the John Wayne theme was an unintentional one. I swear Tex always wears a cowboy hat and boots while at home, the bolo is new though.

For all those who aren’t trying to decide which firearm to best aesthetically compliment their nuptials this is a bolo. (Photo Credit : pinterest.com)

For all those who aren’t trying to decide which firearm to best aesthetically compliment their nuptials this is a bolo. (Photo Credit : pinterest.com)

**The idea of having a gun that misfires at a celebration of love sounds terrifying however this ancient boomstick is the only one in Tex’s collection that I consistently remember how to verify that it ISN’T loaded. Knowing how to check if a firearm is loaded is a vital part of gun safety. Seeing as I have not yet mastered other parts of gun safety, like keeping my eyes open while I shoot, I like to hold tight to my successes in that area.

Also being over one hundred years old, I’m hoping I can pass off the antique gun as a movie prop to my city slicker family. I probably shouldn’t have posted that last sentence. Have I mentioned I’m an atrocious secret keeper?

Indistinguishable Mondays

After the success of Death By Frozen Tundra, I’ve come to the conclusion that people like photos.

This does not bode well because generally speaking if a photo appears on my site it’s because someone who loves me has taken it. As a rule aside from images taken from the internet, the photos are either captured by Gordy or my Dad. On occasion I do take photos but they have a habit of being out of focus, poorly framed, or part of my hand.

But it’s a new year. And all of humanity is caught up in making resolutions. And I realized I don’t have any. So I’m starting up a new feature on the Great Unwashed- it’s called Indistinguishable Mondays.

Basically I will take a photo. And then post it. The idea is that my camera skills will improve. This is highly unlikely given how bad they are. It’s a known fact with my family. Once on vacation my ninety year old grandmother and I were on sitting, waiting for my Dad to come around with the car and a nearby family asked if I would mind taking their photo.

Although the spritely young person normally is the obvious choice for any task over an elderly person resting on a bench, when I sat down afterwards, my grandmother turned to me and said “You should have told them that you can’t take photos dear.”

These are from a wedding I recently attended

Such beautiful memories

Such beautiful memories

Apparently people are supposed to face the camera

Apparently people are supposed to face the camera

I would argue this one isn't my fault really.

I would argue this one isn’t my fault really.

If only the task was to make every subject look like a Dementor from Harry Potter, with black holes for eyes and a fuzzy look around the edges, I’d probably be crowned king of the photographers.