An Unwashed Interview

So Candy*, how do you feel about being interviewed on a little known blog whose readers are primarily composed of your enormous extended family?

(Laughs) Worried that whatever I say will be posted to my entire family.

Does the fact that your room was once inhabited by a black bear alarm you?

(Eyebrows raised, laughs nervously now) Not really. But I did not know that.

What are you most excited about seeing over the March Break?

Your city.

The Great Unwashed’s car just turned sixteen years old. Please list your experience in pushing gigantic, rusting trucks.

(Eyebrows now furrowed in a worried manner) What?

What sort of mental preparations will you go through to ready yourself for telling the Great Unwashed that “She looks absolutely stunning in every single dress” over and over on the bridesmaid dress shopping day?

I would actually tell you the honest truth because if you look funny and silly and the dress is hanging off of you and it looks awful I wouldn’t want you to buy it. I hate when people do that.

That’s the wrong answer, how do you feel about spending the rest of your stay in the cupboard under the stairs?

Cupboard? Meh, I’ll probably fit. (Note that Candy is the same size as me. I am approximately the size of an eleven year old child.)

Student Ghetto Pop Quiz. It’s 3 AM on a Thursday night, well technically a Friday morning, the frat boys are singing “Sweet Caroline” outside the guest room window – what do you yell?

Think of the farthest destination away from me and say there’s free booze there.

What are your feelings on child slavery, also do you know how to cook?

(Laughs, obviously disconcerted now) Child slavery is not a good thing, but I do cook.

Given that your cousin goes to bed no later than 8:45 PM every night- what do you think are achievable goals for your March Break?

Hey last night I got you out until almost 12:45 AM.

This is true, however I spent all of this morning doing impressions of our old roommate Angus, the black bear in question who lived in the upstairs room

So why did you choose to spend your March Break with your decrepit, boring cousin and her ottoman husband?

I wanted to see your city. I wanted to get to know my cousin more because honestly we were close when were really little but when we grew up we were more distant. Also I wanted to get out of my hometown.

Really, tell us why you actually are here. Did you set a car on fire?

(Laughs. Possibly in a guilty way?) No I chose to be here, there were no shotguns.

You came up with the shot gun answer really quickly, is there something you need to tell me?


* Names have been changed to protect those who I thought were innocent but who I now suspect have an affinity for firearms.

Great Unwashed and Guest

So for the next week or so my posts will include a guest. Not because I’ve gone all professional and invited other authors to write on my blog but because my youngest cousin, Candy* is spending her March Break with me.

Now I’m not entirely sure why she’s coming to stay here for the majority of her March Break. Perhaps she pulled the short straw in the game of fun things in life, perhaps Juvie wouldn’t take her. For whatever reason she is coming to stay with me and Roscoe and boy am I happy.

We’re going to spend the week having all sorts of Unwashed adventures; she’s going to go grocery shopping with me, search for a bridesmaid’s dress with me, clean the house with me and shovel snow with me. It’s every teenager’s dream really. And just for kicks, I’ll bring my Unwashed followers along for the ride, so she can have proof of what a totally awesome break she had upon returning to school. “See this is my old, boring cousin’s blog. Here’s where she wrote about cleaning out the drains, that’s the story of organizing her closet. Now you show me your vacation pictures from Mexico!”

I’m terribly excited for this week.


*Names have been changed to protect the identities of those who may have been forced by their youth and an empty house to spend time with me. Also I may be risking the wrath of both my grandmother and aunt by giving my dear cousin the fake name of many a stripper. At least I didn’t name her Glitter. I doubt this fact will keep me in my grandmother’s will. I did try about eight different names in lieu of said offensive name but none of them reflected her lovable, sweet nature as well as Candy. I thought it was best to go right to the literal.

What’s funnier is that her brother who I wrote to in a travesty Tuesday message is fake named Phillip Hooling. Together their fictional names are Phillip and Candy Hooling, which makes it look like they were once a respectable family when they had Phillip but then lost not only all of their money but all of their sense too just before they had Candy and now subsist on only “sketti” and slim jims.

For the record both cousins involved have actual respectable names and do not exist on only “sketti” and slim jims, their father is an excellent cook and a computer programmer. I’m lying about the computer programmer thing but it is something to do with computers. He has one of those jobs to do with technology that I couldn’t understand if my life depended on it. They also do not live in a trailer, or their car.

I thought the last sentence was important to add in. I’m so being kicked out of the will.