My strange ran rampant across the internet and phone lines today. Which was an improvement over yesterday when it displayed itself in my dress; I wore a skirt, neon pink tights, pants, a yoga top and a running shirt. I was ready for everything and nothing at the same time.
The following is an email I sent to my aunt after she sent me paperwork to fill out to buy my house today.
Dear Auntie Camelia,
I like paperwork much better when I’m drunk
This email may contain bizarre information the use of which by an unintended recipient is strictly prohibited by punishment of accidental decapitation by dolphins. This email may also contain important cholera or possibly measles for the records of my enemies. For details please go to http://thegreatunwashedre-writeslegalese/email_disclaimer.html
This email was far more normal than the voice message I left for my father’s assistant William earlier that day.
Hi William, Unwashed here. Or rather I should say down here. At current, I’m lying on the floor. You know how people are instructed to dress up for phone interviews because you can hear confidence and professionalism in their tone of voice? Can you hear the exhaustion and carpet fibers in mine?
I’d sing you the finale to “Godspell” so you could truly understand how I’m feeling at the moment but I know from previous experience that if you sing a voicemail, the machine erases the message and makes you start over, so instead I’m just leaving you a rambling, long message with references to movies with Victor Garber. While we’re on the topic- Titanic.
Anyways the whole point of this phone call was I need to speak with either you or my Dad. If you call me back and I don’t pick up it’s because I’m at the bank trying to convince them I’m a grown up. Wish me luck! BEEEEEEEP
For those of you who aren’t avid Victor Garber fans the finale to “Godspell” is when Jesus sings about dying. His pleading tone and words perfectly described how I felt at that moment returning home from cross country skiing and realizing that I not only was expected to be upright but I was required to act like an adult. Horrors.
*Names have been changed to protect those who continue to take my phone calls even though everyone would understand if they refused to.