Dear Interwebs, Be My Valentine

It’s Love Month here at the Great Unwashed. Well if we’re getting technical, it’s Love Half Month; every single day leading up to the fourteenth, I am releasing a love letter written to an important person in my life. Today’s Love Letter is brought to you by The Adventures of Beka, who nominated me for a Liebster Award, thus reminding me that I really and truly love my readers, so today my Unwashed public, it’s all about you.

Dear Readers,

I love you; I loved you from the beginning when you were little bars representing five people on the graph of my daily stats. I loved you from your first “Like”, your first follow and I will always remember your comments. They bring warmth to my heart along with an unparalleled satisfaction that my work is being enjoyed (and not just by my Mom).

Though I write for myself but also because my Mom doesn’t want to hear about when I accidentally show up at church partially naked anymore, on occasion, I write for you. And I always am happy when you obviously enjoy my work too. This here website is a community and together we’re making it great. So I just wanted to say thank you and express my continued gratitude and admiration that you take the time to read my words.

Though I won’t nominate any bloggers because I’ve given out the Liebster Award before, I will answer some questions.

  1. What food means “home” to you?

I don’t have a food that means home, but weirdly enough watching these women is my comfort food.

Jude me, please judge me. I ave watched this series no less than eight times. (Photo Credit

Judge me, please judge me. I have watched this series no less than eight times. And that’s a conservative estimate. (Photo Credit

  1. What is your life motto?

“Eat all the cheese”. I stand for cheese, consistently eat all of it, and rarely share with others. If that isn’t a motto to live by, I don’t know what is. No one ever says “Eat all the turnip” mostly because the replacement motto would soon be, “Run from all the flatulence”.

  1. If you discovered a magic ring that made you invisible, what would you do with it?

I would take the small person “I can fit in that” game to new levels and scare the living daylights out of every person I live and work with.

Now imagine she’s invisible- my whole life would be spent crouching in tiny spaces waiting for my next victim (Photo Credit:

Now imagine she’s invisible- my whole life would be spent crouching in tiny spaces waiting for my next victim (Photo Credit:

  1. Cold or hot weather?

Why are we talking about the weather? I thought these were intended to be hard hitting questions, aren’t you supposed to ask whether my mother loved the dog better than me? (She didn’t, you’re thinking of the cats, she loved the cats more than me. In her defense the cats were far more agreeable and would never use invisibility and their small stature to kill others with fright.)

  1. Why do you blog?

To write, to share my stories, to have an outlet for my creativity, to amuse myself, and others.

  1. What keeps your blog fresh?

A twice weekly scrubbing. I jest, that would be awful. No, I sprinkle lemon zest on my computer just before clicking “Publish”.

Happy Valentine’s Day Readers,

I can’t wait to celebrate with you next year too.

The Great Unwashed

Plush Love

We’re having a love-in here at the Great Unwashed, for February, every day leading up to the mass rose genocide, I will be publishing a love letter to an important person in my life. Though this next letter isn’t technically a person, it is one of the loves of my life.

Dear Marshmallow,

I love you. Thank you for adding a little sweetness into my day. Your puffy, white shape brings joy to my heart, whether you are alone or with your good friend, hot chocolate.

There’s something about you Marshmallow, that no matter where I am, or what I’m doing, eating you harkens me back to my childhood; sitting at the breakfast table, searching around the other “healthier” parts of the cereal to find you in my bowl, or next to a campfire, making the world’s best diabetic sandwich with you, graham crackers and chocolate.

Marshmallow, beyond the lifelong memories we share, you are utterly delicious. It is one of my life’s deepest regrets that you are not sold in snack size bags. But that’s my problem, not yours Marshmallow, your yumminess simply does not allow for self-control; I would eat one of those 300g bags of you in one sitting. There’s just no stopping in the consumption of such a sumptuous snack, from that first faintly powdery moment as I place you into my mouth to the gooey spring back, when I attempt to chew, and of course there’s that taste which is unique to you, Marshmallow. I must say, you are something special, and you will always hold a special spot in my sweet-tooth’s heart.

Here’s to our sugary enduring love-Happy Valentine’s Day,

From : The Great Unwashed

Love Letters To The World

I’ve decided to start giving it away for free. Every year February descends upon us like a pack of dark, cold, rabid dogs eager to rip the frozen flesh from our cheeks during a celebration of romantic couple love. So I’m turning this month and the accompanying holiday on it’s ear. To combat the frigid temperatures outside, I am going to warm individual’s hearts, one a day for each day leading up to the mass rose genocide.

Today I’ve chosen a friend who is relatively new to my social circle; Natalie*.

Dear Natalie,

I adore you, from the top of your perfectly highlighted blonde head, (Please share the name of your salon with me again, I’ve forgotten for the eighth time.) down to your perpetually stocking-ed feet. I’m going to join my voice, with that of the masses of people who have met you and inwardly shout “She’s fantastic!” However, it’s no good to merely say those words without backing them up. And unlike the paint covered little people, whose lives you change every day, I’m able to articulate my thoughts.

Natalie you are wonderful (and slightly deadly) because you are the Energizer Bunny.

Natalie and this guy once had a race, the Energizer Bunny lost and had to go to rehab because he started using meth to cover the pain of his disappointment. (Photo Credit

Natalie and this guy once had a race, the Energizer Bunny lost and had to go to rehab because he started using meth to cover the pain of his disappointment. (Photo Credit

You would have made an amazing pioneer; you get up and go, go, go until you fall into bed at night. You are the only person I know who would willingly hop on a bike and have people shout at you to pedal at six am on a Monday morning. Even when I didn’t profess my love for laziness, I would never have done that.

Behind your energy is a heart that throws itself fully into everything that you do- nothing short of your very best is acceptable to you. One day, when I am old, and have figured out all of the shortcuts in the world which make things easier, I hope to do everything half as well as you do.

With that big heart, comes your warmth, this is perhaps why children and people are attracted to you, they wish to warm their hands by the fire of your kindness. Whenever I venture out into public with you, we never fail to meet someone who both knows and remembers you, this I believe, is due to your ability to always see the best in everyone. It’s a lovely quality.

Thank you Natalie, for sharing yourself with the world, keep doing so- we adore you!

Much love, and the occasional nom de plume,

The Great Unwashed

*Names have been changed to protect the identities of those so fabulous that the world would be relentlessly knocking down their door if their true identity were published online.

Showing Some Electronic Love

Dear WordPress,

I love you. Be my Valentine. I’d bring you electronic roses and candy hearts but I don’t know how to do that. I’m sure you do but in showing me how to bring your wonderful self said e-items, it would defeat the purpose of my thoughtfulness. In lieu of that I will just say thank you and profess my undying feelings of gratitude and warmth to you.

You see WordPress, my blog turned one years old on December 31st, it was terribly exciting. We didn’t have cake, real or electronic, so don’t worry you didn’t miss out. After a little over a month of blogging, last year, on this day I bought the rights to my webname. Or at least I think I did. Actually I have no idea what happened the gist of it is- twenty-six dollars was charged to my credit card and the “.wordpress” was dropped from the site when people came to visit. Although I didn’t understand the whole process, it was thrilling for me.

However at the back of my head was a niggling worry “What happens next year? Will WordPress save the domain name for me? How will I renew this?” It was all very concerning, but then this morning I received an email saying that I would keep my website and that my credit card would be charged without my having to move a muscle. It was fabulous; if I was a crier I would have shed tears of joy from relief. As it was I just danced around my kitchen like a Muppet on speed.

So thank you WordPress, you’re wonderful, I adore you. If I was in school I’d write your name and surround it with hearts on my notebooks.

As it is all I can do is draw you something in paint. I know how to use this program because my eight year old cousin showed me how.

The tutorial wasn't very long and didn't include things like body proportions.

The tutorial wasn’t very long and didn’t include things like body proportions.

The Great Unwashed