Grandma Getting Arrested Was Not My Fault

It wasn’t so much that she was arrested as dropped off in the middle of the night by police. Despite what everyone will tell you, it wasn’t my doing. Really if anyone should get the blame it’s my maternal grandfather, he was the one shouting at the bouncers. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

About a decade back, my Dad took my whole family on vacation; me, my sister, my Mom, my Dad, my Gran, my Granddad, my Dad’s mom and even my boyfriend at the time, we all went to a resort.

The vacation was exactly like this. Only substitute all the kissing and racy bits with shuffleboard. (Photo Credit :

The vacation was just like this. Only substitute all the kissing and racy bits with shuffleboard. (Photo Credit :

If you’ve ever seen “Dirty Dancing” this resort was exactly like that, only without all the interesting sexy bits and desperately attractive men lurking in every corner. Also I never once saw Patrick Swayze. Not exactly a place where a teenager would go to have fun for a good time. However Diana and I were with our family so we were happy. Though I must confess the evenings were quite slow. One night at dinner my family decided that we would all go dancing.

This was around the time that my Mom’s parents used to go out and win West Coast couples dancing competitions. My parents would also attend said competitions but didn’t podium. My boyfriend and I, inspired by watching these two couples had begun to take ballroom dance lessons as well.

Unfortunately Diana was only eighteen at the time so my parents were unsure whether she would get into the bar at the hotel. Exasperated my Gran blurted out “You MUST have a fake ID.” And not surprisingly, Diana did. It was passed around and scrutinized by every member of my family but my grandfather who was in the washroom at the time. After everyone inspected the Northwest Territories driver’s license, it was deemed an acceptable fake.

After dinner everyone returned to their respective hotel rooms, except for my sister and I who always want to spend more time with our maternal grandparents. We sat on their bed chatting merrily while my Gran and Granddad got dressed in their matching cowboy dancing outfits and my Granddad donned one of his impressive western hats. The mood in the room was jovial and excited.

Walking over to the bar with the prospect of spending an evening with his family and getting to dance with his two granddaughters, my Granddad was his extroverted self. Seeing the bouncers’ hackles go up at the sight of Diana and me, he waved cheerfully. “It’s ok boys! They’re my granddaughters.” Grabbing Diana’s shoulders he proudly added “This one’s eighteen!”

“Granddad!” Diana and I shouted indignantly in unison. “What?” My grandfather asked stopping in his tracks. In Manitoba, where my Granddad grew up, the legal drinking age is eighteen. In Ontario it’s one year older.

Kicking at the ground Diana turned on her heel and left in a huff. Walking into the bar Granddad’s shoulder were hunched “I didn’t know, I didn’t know.” He repeated sheepishly. However soon the music started and the mood lightened as the couples began to dance.

A group of three men a little older than me stood awkwardly around the bar. Thinking of my sister who was probably sitting in the hotel room bored to tears while my eighty-four year old grandma knitted an afghan, I had an idea.

“Hey do you want to keep a hot girl company?” I asked. The boys shrugged but then listened eagerly when I told them my room number. They left the bar soon after.

In the mean time, after realizing that she wasn’t going to spend the evening cha-cha-ing with her family, my sister had found another under age youth sitting on one of the resort’s rolling hills. Together they sat in the darkness and shared bottles of booze that the young man had pinched from who knows where.

The three men from the bar, having given up any hope of finding fun in a place filled with middle aged people dancing the East Coast swing, headed over to my family’s hotel room. They knocked on the door.

By this time my grandmother had changed into her nightgown and was getting ready for bed when she heard a rapping at the door. The sight of the three lumbering young men inquiring if there was a hot girl inside ( I hadn’t bothered to give them Diana’s name), spurred my elderly grandmother into action. “No. Only me.” she replied curtly, “Now please go home.” Then, strapping on her fuzzy slippers, my grandma walked off into the night in search of Diana.

This entire time, the hotel police were parked a distance from the hill that my sister and her new friend had been illegally drinking on. The officers were well aware of the illicit goings on, however the amount of flack they’d receive from the patrons of the hotel for busting the privileged teenagers for the offense was greater than the good that would come from stopping it. At any rate, my sister and the young man were not causing any harm.

Around the time that Diana and her companion packed up their bottles and headed back to their respective rooms the hotel police received word that there was an elderly woman wandering around the property in her nightgown. Off they sped in their cruiser to avert disaster.

Diana arrived back at the room just as my parents and I did. Everyone was confused as to where my grandmother had gone at twelve o’clock at night. Then for the second time that night there was a knock at the hotel room door. My father opened it to a squad car with its lights flashing and an official looking man in uniform standing next to his mother. “These nice men gave me a ride back” said Grandma as she stepped past my father into the hotel room.

Although I technically did send a group of strange young men to my family’s hotel room searching for my sister, I still contest that Grandma wandering around in the middle of the night and being dropped off by security is NOT my fault. Clearly its Granddad’s lack of awareness around Ontario’s drinking laws and his overactive bladder.



Great Unwashed and Guest

So for the next week or so my posts will include a guest. Not because I’ve gone all professional and invited other authors to write on my blog but because my youngest cousin, Candy* is spending her March Break with me.

Now I’m not entirely sure why she’s coming to stay here for the majority of her March Break. Perhaps she pulled the short straw in the game of fun things in life, perhaps Juvie wouldn’t take her. For whatever reason she is coming to stay with me and Roscoe and boy am I happy.

We’re going to spend the week having all sorts of Unwashed adventures; she’s going to go grocery shopping with me, search for a bridesmaid’s dress with me, clean the house with me and shovel snow with me. It’s every teenager’s dream really. And just for kicks, I’ll bring my Unwashed followers along for the ride, so she can have proof of what a totally awesome break she had upon returning to school. “See this is my old, boring cousin’s blog. Here’s where she wrote about cleaning out the drains, that’s the story of organizing her closet. Now you show me your vacation pictures from Mexico!”

I’m terribly excited for this week.


*Names have been changed to protect the identities of those who may have been forced by their youth and an empty house to spend time with me. Also I may be risking the wrath of both my grandmother and aunt by giving my dear cousin the fake name of many a stripper. At least I didn’t name her Glitter. I doubt this fact will keep me in my grandmother’s will. I did try about eight different names in lieu of said offensive name but none of them reflected her lovable, sweet nature as well as Candy. I thought it was best to go right to the literal.

What’s funnier is that her brother who I wrote to in a travesty Tuesday message is fake named Phillip Hooling. Together their fictional names are Phillip and Candy Hooling, which makes it look like they were once a respectable family when they had Phillip but then lost not only all of their money but all of their sense too just before they had Candy and now subsist on only “sketti” and slim jims.

For the record both cousins involved have actual respectable names and do not exist on only “sketti” and slim jims, their father is an excellent cook and a computer programmer. I’m lying about the computer programmer thing but it is something to do with computers. He has one of those jobs to do with technology that I couldn’t understand if my life depended on it. They also do not live in a trailer, or their car.

I thought the last sentence was important to add in. I’m so being kicked out of the will.