An Open Letter to Undergrads

Dear Young People,

Based on the sheer number of you loitering about the university campus staring at your phones when you ought to be lying in bed nursing a hangover, I’m forced to conclude that the younger generation has become too responsible. Twenty somethings, it is your duty as the legal aged youth of the world to cause havoc, not only are your inebriated nocturnal adventures endlessly amusing to watch through partially closed curtains in the wee hours of the morning but they give me something to write about. As the newest crop of drinkers, it is your job to provide the entertainment. Someone has to do it, and it certainly won’t be the elderly.

Wait, I take that back. This looks like it's about to get wild. (Photo Credit : jackcollier7)

Wait, I take that back. This looks like it’s about to get wild. (Photo Credit : jackcollier7)

After all, even the hippest of the hip old people; Hugh Hefner has been married for almost two years.

Don't pretend you didn't see this coming. Even the world's biggest bachelors have got to settle down. However young people, now is not your time. Please sleep with everyone. (Photo Credit: justjared.com)

Don’t pretend you didn’t see this coming. Even the world’s biggest bachelors have got to settle down. However young people, now is not your time. Please sleep with everyone. (Photo Credit: justjared.com)

It isn’t only your recent penchant for studying and attending classes that has led me to this conclusion; there has been a distinct lack of debauchery in my life recently. I can’t recall the last time I found a hamburger upside down on my car or woke to the sound of shrieking only to see a bare bum flash past my living room window.

This new found studiousness and sense of responsibility has to stop, one of you needs to get drunk and make poor decisions. Ideally in front of my house. I won’t even mind if you pee on my garden in the process. At this point I would settle for a drunken soliloquy about how midriffs are so hot right now.

In conclusion undergrads, please think more about vodka and less about your business ethics course. If not for your sake than for my blog’s.

An Unwashed Day

5 am – Wake up.

5:02 am – Tell self to go back to sleep, no one gets up at this hour.

5:05 am – Stare at ceiling, waiting to become a normal person who sleeps in.

5:12 am – Who am I kidding? I’ve never been normal, let’s see if I can go scare some raccoons by taking out the trash.

5:25 am – Sit next to sun light while drinking coffee out of what is less of a mug and more of a bucket.

5:40 am – Go pee, repeat again each half an hour until seven thirty. Curse small bladder and desire for caffeine in quantities generally used to bail out boats.

7 am – Hastily mow lawn with push mower while making race car noises. Wonder if angry neighbour man who insists I mow my lawn has restrictions about types of sounds made during lawn care. Quickly switch to making attacking fighter jet noises in the event that race cars are deemed too commercial for my hippie neighbourhood.

I make noises so my lawn mower doesn't feel inadequate when it hears the ruckus that other types of lawn mowers make. (Photo Credit: homedepot.com)

I make noises so my lawn mower doesn’t feel inadequate when it hears the ruckus that other types of lawn mowers make. (Photo Credit: homedepot.com)

8 am – Bike to school. While crossing the bridge, sing and dance on bike so drivers can witness up close just how much fun being an environmentalist is.

8:03 am – Climb giant hill, feel grateful that am hidden by trees from the drivers because am covered in sweat from exertion.

10:27 am – Pass undergrads in hallway, see so much flesh that am forced to double check that we are headed to the library and not a skin bar.

10:28 am – See another under-dressed undergrad. Make a mental note to send memo to undergrads “It is fall. Please wear mittens, not bikinis. Also wipe your seat after you leave the library and are thong bathing suits the style in Canada now?”

If this outfit says "Library" to an undergrad, what do they wear to the bars? (Photo Credit : inhabitat.com)

If this outfit says “Library” to a nineteen year old, what do they wear to the bars? (Photo Credit : inhabitat.com)

1:44 pm – Cheerfully wave “hello” to the frat boys who were my former next door neighbours . Realizing they have no choice but to reply to my overly friendly gesture, they wave halfheartedly back “Hi Ms. Unwashed from Next Door”.

3:19 – Accidentally walk into a men’s restroom. If the university wouldn’t insist on renovating all of their buildings, I wouldn’t surprise half as many gents with my cries of “Oops sorry sir, I swear this used to be a ladies’.”

5 pm – Visit Gordy’s office on campus, loll about on the carpet remarking on how soft it is and how perhaps if the undergrad’s had clothes made of said carpet they’d wear more than bathing suits to campus.

5:30 – Finish abusing Gordy’s kindness and head to evening class.

9:30 pm – Don a bright yellow reflective shirt and commence singing loudly on bike ride home; even if the drivers fail to see me, they will hear me.

*Names have been changed to protect the identities of those who permit me to lie on their office floor whenever I like. In my defense, the builders used exceptionally nice flooring material.