I’m Going to be Ex-Communicated From My Family Just For Writing This

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for the birthday money. I spent it on hookers and booze. Just kidding, I’m far more classy than that; I spent it on expensive hookers and booze. You should have seen Francesca’s knockers Grandma, were it not for the rock solid feel when squeezed, you would swear those babies were real. Also the thirty year aged port was amazing. Especially when consumed from Francesca’s belly button.

Happy Birthday to me indded. (Photo Credit : genius.com)

Happy Birthday to me indeed. (Photo Credit : genius.com)

Your birthday gift made turning thirty less painful. I can’t really say much for the day after though. I guess at some point one does have to pay the piper. Thanks again Big G, maybe we can make your ninety-first birthday equally memorable and invite Champagne, Francesca’s actress best friend who moonlights as a stripper.

Tylenol Consumingly yours


This made me giggle. My ninety year old grandmother is lovely, generous, and above all tolerant, but although she accepts my weirdness, she does not understand it. So I’m sending the thank you card that I wanted to write, to the internet. You’re welcome interwebs. By contrast, my grandmother will receive a tasteful card with flowers and a simple message about buying a ski lift ticket. Personally I prefer fabricated stories about Francesca’s voluminous breasts

Travesty Tuesday- Because It’s Always Important To Say Thank You

I’m not shaped like anyone else in my family. My Gran who frequently made me dresses when I was younger often lamented this while trying to dart a dress for the fourth time. Yanking the material this way and that she would snap “Why can’t you be a cylinder like your mother?”

Please note my mother is a shapely cylinder. You’re welcome Mom.

Anyway so when I turned sixteen and started filling up bra cups, my mother was at a loss for where I got this figure from. Finally we found the culprit- Great Grandma Kay.

Now being a respectful and polite sixteen year old, I decided I needed to thank her for her generous gift of hourglass shape genes so I penned the following card.


Dear Grandma Kay,

Thank you very much for the breasts. I really like them. They look very nice in my sweaters.

Love Sarah



For some reason my mother deemed this card wildly inappropriate and I wasn’t allowed to send it to my 84 year old Great Grandmother. I don’t know why, I always thought it was important to thank people for everything.