Sometimes the stories and phrases Tex comes out with are just too much. For example, when we were driving around a month before our impending nuptials, there was a billboard next to the road advertising services “Wedding season is here! Book an appointment to whiten your teeth today!”
Unwashed – “Tex, should we get our teeth whitened for wedding photos?”
Tex “Only if we’re going to bleach our a$#holes while we’re at it.”
Had I not immediately realized that cowboys don’t care about the colour of their teeth, I would have been REALLY worried about Tex’s ideas for our wedding photos. Imagine trying to explain your bare butt riding a horse bareback through wheat fields to your grandmother. “It’s a custom there Grandma, it’s better not to question it.”
Tex and I are taking care of Sula’s dog while she is off on another northern adventure. For the most part Tex enjoys our new furry companion, however he is upset by some aspects of having an indoor dog.
Maddie snores her little puppy snores in between us, this scene as well as the accompanying odour prompted Tex to say “My bedding smells like dog and my dog smells like bedding!”
Unwashed – “This can’t be a new thing- your family had a husky growing up. Didn’t your dog Mika ever sleep in the bed with you?”
Tex looks at me like I’d suggested he try on a pair of marabou mules
Tex – “No, she slept outside.”
Unwashed – “All the time? What about when it was really cold?”
Tex – “Well of course if it was fifty below she’d sleep in the garage.” (For my American friends that’s -58 Fahrenheit) Gazing around at Maddie’s various stuffed animals littering the floor, “Also my dog didn’t have toys. Well once Mika did, when she stole a decomposing deer hide from a pack of coyotes but they showed up a week later to take it back. She tried to fight them off though.”
The last one wasn’t so much a cowboy quote as a general man quote.
Tex upon exiting the bathroom- “Man those double downs are a gut bomb, I just experienced Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire”.”
For the record he ate not one but two of these “sandwiches” this would have been an impressive feat had I not personally witnessed Tex demolish a family sized bucket of chicken in one sitting. Cowboys are apparently gifted with the kind of metabolism that allows them to eat a horse after they ride one.