Please Type Your Password

My TV habits sometimes come up in conversation because for the most part I don’t watch any.

There are many reasons for this embargo on popular media. The primary being that the Netflix does not work for me. The internet and I have a standing agreement that I won’t complain when it is slow and in return the internet will work 98% of the time.

Unfortunately the Netflix and I have no such agreement. So here is how an Unwashed attempt at television watching goes.

The Great Unwashed sits down on the couch with the intent of consuming popular culture through the television.

The television turns on.

The Great Unwashed says “Hurray!” This doesn’t always happen, things like the vacuum cleaner bumping the television cord and unplugging it without The Great Unwashed noticing often impedes this step.

The Playstation turns on resulting in another “Hurray” from the Great Unwashed.

Next The Great Unwashed follows the series of steps outlined by Roscoe when he taught her how to use the Netflix.

The Netflix does not work.

It asks for things that The Great Unwashed doesn’t know like passwords or to update hard drives or whatever the Netflix runs on. Following a traumatizing kitchen renovation at her parent’s house The Great Unwashed refrains from updating anything, especially technology. As evidenced by her phone.

You wish your phone was this sexy and advanced. It even has T9 texting.

You wish your phone was this sexy and advanced. It even has T9 texting. (Photo Credit :

The Great Unwashed turns the television and Playstation off and begins the Netflix process outlined by Roscoe again, only to be faced with the same screen. In an act of self preservation The Great Unwashed unplugs all of the electronics in the room just in case the lamp was colluding with the Playstation to prevent her from watching Extreme Couponing and heads outside for a walk because her shoelaces never tell her “Error Please Restart”.

Subliminal Marketing And An Undying Passion For Cheddar

Roscoe and I do not have cable. There are a number of reasons for this; the first being that I haven’t yet figured out how to work the television itself. It has three remotes. Roscoe says that the remotes and the television are easy to operate. I question this factoid, as he also claimed that his car was easy to operate and I spent fifteen minutes in the driveway trying unsuccessfully to turn it on.

I tried to order two of Suzanne Somers but they were out.

Once I tried to order two of Suzanne Somers but she was out of stock. (Photo Credit:

The second reason that we don’t have cable is that I’m very susceptible to marketing; subliminal or otherwise. I don’t sit for long periods of time so my television watching is limited to programs that are ten minutes long or less – like an ad on the shopping channel. When Roscoe and I were dating, I lived at home with my parents who had cable. This led to a number of phone calls in which I tried to convince Roscoe that I needed an ab blaster or a mandolin made in Switzerland despite the fact that I believed in neither gyms nor cooking at the time.

Hence in the interest of not filling our house with useless pieces of exercise equipment and chotchkes  we live without cable. And life was fine and dandy, that was until Netflix arrived.

Although Netflix does not have a shopping channel, it does have documentaries. Unlike sitcoms or movies one can watch ten minutes of a documentary, pause it then walk away only to sit back down a day later without feeling as though a plot refresher is necessary. For this reason I love documentaries. However my favourite genre of documentaries are the sketchy ones. Documentaries without enough proof or information tend to be short thus my sense of accomplishment is greater as I can watch two of these a week versus just one of the more reputable, longer documentaries.

Although this new habit has had some unexpected side effects- last night Roscoe walked in on this scene.

The Great Unwashed stands in front of the bedroom mirror staring intently into her reflection.

The Great Unwashed -“You are valid” pauses, still staring into her reflection. “And hopeful” pauses again for longer “Also you like cheese.”

Roscoe unable to watch this bizarre scene for any longer asks “What are you doing?”

The Great Unwashed speaks to Roscoe’s reflection in the mirror – “I watched part of a documentary today on vegans. It told me to look at my reflection and repeat a message to myself every night, only I forgot was the message was.”

Roscoe- “Vegans don’t eat cheese.”

The Great Unwashed – “It might have been a movie about the Kennedy conspiracies, I don’t really know, I only watched ten minutes of it.”

For some reason I have a feeling the Netflix subscription will be cancelled shortly.