1. I brushed my teeth at least four times this week
Someone give me a damn medal. It doesn’t sound like much but when you’re the sole person in charge of a small person virtually 24 hours a day, things like reasonable dental hygiene need to be celebrated. In lieu of a medal I would accept a parade.
2. I witnessed a hit-and-run on Tuesday
This one is less bad than it sounds. So there I am, minding my own business, bleaching diaper inserts in the sun, when all of a sudden, across the laneway, I watch as a SUV smashes into the motorcycle that is parked next to my new neighbour’s garage. I was aghast and expected the driver to jump out and inspect the damage. Instead the SUV pulls forwards, then backs up again to hit the motorcycle, then keeps going so the bike is being dragged along the ground. I run to get a closer look at the plates of the SUV as it drives away. After running back inside to record this information, I hot footed it back outside all ready to run and knock on my neighbour’s front door. Not surprisingly, there was already a man standing outside, righting the motorcycle. Breathless from the shock of witnessing someone trying to demolish his wheels and from sprinting back and forth with a baby strapped to me, the news came out in staccato bursts “Someone. Drove over. Your bike.” The man calmly looked at me and said “I know, it was my wife.” I don’t know whether to give these people space or make them muffins.
3. I may be becoming Desmond Howl
This one is possibly worse than it sounds. It’s ok that you don’t know who Desmond Howl is because I’m going to tell you. At length, and then you’ll want to pretend to be a four hundred pound, drug addicted, washed up rocker too. It’s a good game, like tag but only better. Desmond stumbles through life in an exhausted haze; my days seem similar to this. Desmond falls asleep at random times of the day- I fall asleep at random times too. Desmond wanders around only partially clothed, I’m generally missing an article of clothing or at the very least have a part of my bra unclipped. Desmond survives entirely on doughnuts and cocaine. I would like to survive on doughnuts. But not cocaine, I’m not that exciting. Get ready world, at this rate, my come back tour will be starting next month. If you’d like to play the Desmond Howl Game too, I’m looking for a bass guitarist.
4. Great Unwashed gives tips on how to mow a lawn
For ideal results and disgruntled neighbours, choose a paisley pattern. The effect is maximized if one misses spots. Although you may not have to work hard to tick off your neighbours if their spouse has taken to running over their ride.
5. If my lawn care tips weren’t enough, I’ll throw in lessons on how to be a better spouse free!
To add some spice and uncertainty into your spouse’s life, play “Hide the Car”, instead of parking your shared vehicle in the driveway, park three streets over and walk home while they’re at work. Then promptly forget where you’ve left the car and when they ask gesture in all directions helpfully. Following this advice also decreases the rate of flattened motorcycles by 87%.
This post is dedicated to Erica from thesnarkyscoop.com because she regularly expounds to the world in groups of five. Erica is quite funny and as her blog indicates, occasionally snarky.