So Candy*, how do you feel about being interviewed on a little known blog whose readers are primarily composed of your enormous extended family?
(Laughs) Worried that whatever I say will be posted to my entire family.
Does the fact that your room was once inhabited by a black bear alarm you?
(Eyebrows raised, laughs nervously now) Not really. But I did not know that.
What are you most excited about seeing over the March Break?
The Great Unwashed’s car just turned sixteen years old. Please list your experience in pushing gigantic, rusting trucks.
(Eyebrows now furrowed in a worried manner) What?
What sort of mental preparations will you go through to ready yourself for telling the Great Unwashed that “She looks absolutely stunning in every single dress” over and over on the bridesmaid dress shopping day?
I would actually tell you the honest truth because if you look funny and silly and the dress is hanging off of you and it looks awful I wouldn’t want you to buy it. I hate when people do that.
That’s the wrong answer, how do you feel about spending the rest of your stay in the cupboard under the stairs?
Cupboard? Meh, I’ll probably fit. (Note that Candy is the same size as me. I am approximately the size of an eleven year old child.)
Student Ghetto Pop Quiz. It’s 3 AM on a Thursday night, well technically a Friday morning, the frat boys are singing “Sweet Caroline” outside the guest room window – what do you yell?
Think of the farthest destination away from me and say there’s free booze there.
What are your feelings on child slavery, also do you know how to cook?
(Laughs, obviously disconcerted now) Child slavery is not a good thing, but I do cook.
Given that your cousin goes to bed no later than 8:45 PM every night- what do you think are achievable goals for your March Break?
Hey last night I got you out until almost 12:45 AM.
This is true, however I spent all of this morning doing impressions of our old roommate Angus, the black bear in question who lived in the upstairs room
So why did you choose to spend your March Break with your decrepit, boring cousin and her ottoman husband?
I wanted to see your city. I wanted to get to know my cousin more because honestly we were close when were really little but when we grew up we were more distant. Also I wanted to get out of my hometown.
Really, tell us why you actually are here. Did you set a car on fire?
(Laughs. Possibly in a guilty way?) No I chose to be here, there were no shotguns.
You came up with the shot gun answer really quickly, is there something you need to tell me?
* Names have been changed to protect those who I thought were innocent but who I now suspect have an affinity for firearms.