Over the summer, I spent almost a month at the farm, every night before dinner, my mother-in-law Zoey would head out to the garden in search of fresh produce for dinner. I’m not sure I had pictured how potatoes plants should be harvested, but it definitely didn’t involve ripping the plant out of the ground. The first time I watched my mother-in-law pull a potato plant out of the earth I thought to myself “Zoey! Stop! You’re killing the plant!” I later shared this reaction with my new family, who thought my city slicker love of potato leaves was funny.

Dear In-Laws,

Merry Christmas, may your holidays be as warm as the plump robin on the front of this card. Tex and I are looking forward to spending a month at the farm in the spring. I can’t wait to learn more about gardening although I’m a semi-professional already- did you know that I’m a seasoned killer of potato plants? Just imagine what I’ll learn in a month at the farm, perhaps how to use Chinese water torture on tomato plants? This gardening is quite a violent business, mind you what can one expect? Where there are hoes, guns, violence and pimps soon follow. I think that make the two of you honorary gangsters. This card has rapidly gotten off topic. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Love Unwashed

Dear Uncle Jake and Aunty Camelia,

I bought this card because I thought it read “nice” as in the frat boys commenting on dude’s new car- “niiiiice”. And then I got to the checkout and realized there were “naughty” cards. Thus I am arbitrarily assigning all of you to the receiving presents list this year. I’m like the Mother Theresa of material goods and capitalism, it doesn’t matter how many times you told off your neighbour for using his snowblower at 5am, you can still have that steel plated espresso machine. You’re welcome.

Unwashed

Also I included an awkward kissing photo from my wedding to boot. What can I say? I’m one generous S.O.B. That last sentence may have been a Mother Theresa quote. Or Ghandi, one of the two.

(I would have included said kissing photo in the post but I figured there are countless other sites one can visit to look at images of people groping each other on the web. You know you might be a little too into your new spouse when the minister has to all but ask you to get a room during the ceremony.)