Down in the Dumps over my Derrière

I have a sneaking suspicion that my butt is becoming flatter. Not falling, just transitioning from 3D to 2D. I blame it on all the sitting I’ve been doing recently; in cars, on buses, on planes. And the sheer amount of studying I’ve been doing isn’t helping matters, no matter where I am, I seem to be seated. The end result is a smushed tush.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never had great rear-end aspirations, the next J Lo or Kim Kardashian, I am not. However for the most part I liked my butt. It was mine. It looked like a slightly larger version of my extremely, physically-fit mother’s butt.

This is what my Mom’s bum looks like. (Photo Credit :

This is what my Mom’s bum looks like. We are not a people noted for having shapely posteriors.(Photo Credit :

A photo of my butt, again I’m not in as good shape as my mother. (Photo Credit:

A photo of my butt, again I’m not in as good shape as my mother. Actually if I’m being honest, my bum isn’t that tanned. (Photo Credit:

Because this is her stomach. (Photo Credit:

Because this is her stomach. (Photo Credit:

This sedentary lifestyle is getting to me. I find myself turning sideways every morning to check in the mirror that my posterior hasn’t disappeared altogether. In public, I’m tempted to offer my hiney to strangers who need a surface to write on.

The worst part is, that as it becomes flatter, my bum seems to be getting wider, as though the weight of my body is slowly moving all of the fat in my rump outwards. I’ve debated wearing a wet suit underneath my clothes to keep the limited junk in my trunk centralized. I got the idea after watching my mother zip herself into her wetsuit in preparation for a triathlon. Even though my mother is composed of only muscle, somehow the tightness of the wetsuit managed to gather her minimal body fat into a lump in the middle of her back so she looked like a Quasimodo in training. In my dire, almost 2D state I’d settle for that solution. Having something that resembles a third butt cheek might even make me trendy, what with the popularity of the tri-boobed woman on American Horror Story.

At the very least, I’m comforting myself with the fact that the semester is almost over, so I can return to my formerly active lifestyle and my original bottom soon.