If I Was A Tamagotchi

Welcome! Congratulations on your purchase of the Unwashed Tamagotchi, this act will allow you to live out your dirt-squirreliest, hippie dreams. Before we get started, you need to know how to care for your Unwashed Tamagotchi.Unwashed tamagotchi


Unwashed prefers to eat cookies. Feeding your Unwashed Tamagotchi cookies will result in 3 happiness points and an abundance of hugs. As wonderful as endless hugs and happiness points may sound, cookies should be used sparingly because otherwise your Unwashed Tamagotchi’s health will suffer and she’ll begin to lay about moaning that her super fit mother is going to send a trainer to her door. Life with your Unwashed Tamagotchi is no fun when she is moaning about feeling spherical rather than person shaped.



Your Unwashed Tamagotchi is sensitive to the sun. At the smallest hint of light, your Unwashed Tamagotchi will bound out of bed demanding to go on a hike or bike ride, use extra thick black out curtains to ensure a good sleep. This Tamagotchi also doesn’t like sound; keep her away from noisy neighbours or risk losing happiness points. A good night’s sleep will earn 8 happiness points. Beware of late night reading, although it earns 10 happiness points, waking up the next morning costs 12 happiness points.



Your Unwashed Tamagotchi LOVES to be active, however going to the gym will kill your Unwashed Tamagotchi. This threat is so acute that even driving past a gym will result in loss of health points-use an alternate route. Stick to quiet green spaces and transportation as forms of activity and watch those happiness points accumulate. Exercise caution with exercise, because too much will cause your Unwashed Tamagotchi to whinge and a couple happiness points will be lost.



Walks in green spaces will increase your Unwashed Tamagotchi’s health meter. Walks in cities will decrease it. Cookies will cause a slight decrease. Beets make your Unwashed Tamagotchi’s health meter jump. As do social interactions.



Your Unwashed Tamagotchi wants to hang out with other Tamagotchis. Arrange for her to see and cook dinner for her friends and those happiness points will pile up.



Cookies, sleep, hikes and seeing other Tamagotchis regularly makes for a happy Tamagotchi. Gyms, cities, and travel will cause a steep loss in happiness points. After a long time alone or a lack of cookies, your Unwashed Tamagotchi will be at zero happiness points and cranky. While spending time in a noisy, crowded metropolis your Unwashed Tamagotchi will be at -10 happiness points. At that level she will be prone to laying on the ground and complaining. Flying, long car trips or travel of any type will leave your Unwashed Tamagotchi at -30 happiness points and prone to biting. While social interactions help the most, the other Tamagotchis won’t want to play with your Unwashed Tamagotchi in that state. Use cookies and reading to build happiness points.

Good luck! Enjoy your Unwashed Tamagotchi. Another note- obviously it is a terrible idea to bathe an Unwashed Tamagotchi, not only will it fry the circuits, but it will cost happiness points. Wait until stink lines begin to form around your Unwashed Tamagotchi and then light a scented candle.


Five Things Friday- The Insults Just Keep Coming

  1. Remember when your mom would subtly leave deodorant on your night stand when you were twelve?

My husband totally did that. Only not with deodorant. He arrived home yesterday and brandished a drugstore bag at me. “Look what I bought” he proudly proclaimed, first pulling out the items he had purchased for himself before getting to the real purpose of his visit to the mall; “I bought you razors and soap.” Essentially my hubby just called me hairy and dirty. Point taken Tex, I won’t wait for an instructional tutorial on how to use both, I promise.


  1. My new spa routine

I thought Mini-Tex’s bum being infested by ferrets was bad until this week when he learned how to whistle. Well, not whistle exactly, but exhale using his mouth. He likes to practice this trick while we are feeding him. So not only is everything in the kitchen and living area covered with spatters of breastmilk mixed with apple from when Mini-Tex creates an impromptu catapult using his spoon, but now every time we put some food in his mouth, he reacts by creating a fine spray of baby slobber mixed with gruel. It’s making me consider bathing more than twice a week.


  1. The Canadian version of “A Dingo took my baby!”

Much like his parents, Mini-Tex loves the great outdoors. So every day, I haul him, his toys, his jolly jumper and his ring of neglect outside. He loves it, I love it, and the mosquitos love it too. I thought it was bad when at his six month checkup, I had to explain that Mini-Tex didn’t have chicken pox, those were bug bites.

That was nothing compared to watching a small bird half hop, half fly off with a part of my son. Initially it was a small mosquito, but after feeding on Mini-Tex’s chubby little leg while he played in his exersaucer until the tiny pest was actually full to bursting, it morphed from insect into small avian species. Honest to goodness, when I finally spotted the bloodsucker all but draining my son’s little calf, it had the mosquito version of a pot belly. It was so bloated when it tried to take off, it dipped back down to the ground. The mosquito had fed on my baby for so long that it was too fat to fly. I’m pretty sure I’m sucking at this parenting gig.


  1. I’m moving to a trailer park

Not really, but I might as well given that I’ve started answering the door topless and if one is going to be super classy, it’s best just to rent the mobile home too. This event caused me to question our neighbourhood as well because the mailman didn’t bat an eye. This may in part be due to the fact that I was wearing a baby and a brassiere at the time, so there was a lot to distract from the nudity.


  1. I’ve started an anti-Post Secret blog

That sounded way more negative than it meant to. What I meant was that instead of the world sending me their secrets, I’m sending mine to the world. Only they’re not secrets, it’s mostly nonsense or manatees with facial hair Sharpie-d on. Also the entire world isn’t receiving them. Currently I’ve contained my weirdness to North America and people I know, but I might start looking up either politicians or business executives to infuse their life with random anecdotes about whales.