Cowboy Holidays

I received the following text message from my hottie cowboy husband three years ago;

“My brother changed the branding/castration event so it’s now on May long weekend. I told him we’d be there. He’d love to have you ring/herding/babysitting and wants me to be the surgeon- lol. My homework is to watch calf castration videos.”

Cowboys celebrate holidays by eating lots of food and doing farm work. Sometimes this means branding and castrating, other times it’s just simple herding. Regardless, there are horses involved.

When I first met Tex my only experiences with horses had been at resort vacations with my family. Where it was like; “Here is a horse. Sit on the horse. Stay in this small pen. Now the horse ride is finished.” Even as a dyed in the wool city slicker, I didn’t classify that as horseback riding. Which was why when Tex excitedly told me that we’d be going horseback riding as one of our first dates, I was terrified.

Happily, when I arrived at the ranch I was placed on Sunny, Tex’s brother’s most experienced horse. And for an afternoon Sunny did everything he could to keep me on his back.

Climbing atop the largest mammal I’d ever ridden next to an elephant, I was nervous.

Although I don’t think my brief elephant ride as a three year old counted. Firstly it lasted less than a minute. Secondly I was with my cousin, who was my friend, but I had no qualms about throwing him off and using his tiny body as a sort of human landing pad.

On my first date with Tex, I held to the saddle, fully expecting to be thrown from Sunny’s back at any moment. By contrast Sunny stood very still, knowing that he had a newbie on his back and was expected to keep me there.

We were in a small paddock and I was expected to move Sunny around and around. What actually happened was Sunny slowly led me in increasingly small circles then decided he had had enough and stood stock still. Chip, Tex’s brother urged me to lightly push my heels into Sunny’s sides but that seemed like an ungrateful thing to do to animal that was kind enough to not throw me.

Tex and his brother mused over Sunny’s behavior “Why the hell is he acting lame?”

“Because Sunny knows who is on his back” I thought, my white knuckles clutching the loose reins and saddle.

Then we started the actual ride to check on the cattle in the far pasture. Just before setting off, Sunny shivered, causing my whole being to shake, looking back from his horse Tex said “Oh good, you stayed on” while I gripped the saddle with both hands, my eyes wide with shock.

Seeing as for the branding and castration event, I would not only be expected to stay on the horses back but also round up the calves and heifers at the same time, my and Tex’s participation in this event seemed not only unhelpful but unlikely.

“Uhhhhh” I texted back.

In the end, we didn’t go because I got pregnant with Mini-Tex and was therefore asleep. At Thanksgiving, a couple of months later, when Tex’s brother asked for volunteers to herd the cattle from their summer to winter pastures, I got out of that too. Because pregnancy. It’s one of those rare times where pregnancy is awesome.

The next year I got out of riding a horse because I had a newborn. This may have been why I chose to breastfeed my son until two and half- to get out of riding a horse. “I’m sorry, Mini-Tex may need to nurse, I can’t herd cattle for three hours.”

This story is about three and a bit years old, but once again, I’m getting out of herding and rustling because I have a newborn. Cheers to breastfeeding until age seven this time. I’m not sure what excuse I’ll have after that but you can be sure it’ll be a rock solid one.


Deer Carcass Etiquette and Other Rural Tutorials

Tex is a rootin’ tootin’ cowboy. So it stands to reason that some of the men he knows are too, which was how I spent part of last night discussing the manners of hitting animals with your car. The conversation went something like this.

Tex “Around here, people will hit an average of two and a half deer in their life.”

Unwashed “What? Tell me you’re joking” I look frantically at Tex waiting for him to smile because he’s pulling my city slicker leg. When that doesn’t work, I turn to his friend Brayden*. “Tell me he’s joking” Brayden shrugs.

Tex “I made up the number, but it’s super common, although sometimes the deer will hit you. Unwashed, you drive so slow, that’s what will happen.”

Brayden helpfully chimes in “Don’t worry, they’ll just dent the door panels all to hell so they won’t open and you’ll have to get in from the opposite side of the car.”

They said this in the same manner that one would describe the process of painting a house, as if it was normal.

Tex “Why my Dad had a deer hit him in November. Super common, nothing to worry about.”

I sat there for a minute pondering this new information.  Then I turned to Brayden.

Unwashed “Is the etiquette to remove the deer from the road, or do you leave it there?”

Brayden “You move it” he answers, as naturally as one would of the question were about whether people wear pants or just overly long ponchos to work.

But summer days would be so much breezier in this. (Photo Credit:

But summer days would be so much breezier in this. (Photo Credit:

Unwashed “So let’s say I’m struggling to move a hundred pound deer from the road, will people stop and help me?”

Tex and Brayden “Whoa whoa whoa”

Tex “Deer don’t weigh a hundred pounds, that’s like the size of a dog, deer are waaaaaay bigger.”

For the record readers, it never occurred to me to estimate the poundage of deer, because the only times I’ve seen them are in a zoo “Oooh look deer!” and in a park “Ooooh look deer!”

Brayden “I wouldn’t worry about moving a three hundred pound deer off the road, the majority of the time the force of the impact moves most of the animal into the ditch.”

I may have gagged a little into my wine, so Tex and Brayden quickly changed the subject to another honored pastime of theirs- shooting milk at cats.

Tex “So you’re sitting there, pulling on the teats and then you start spraying the cats”

Unwashed “Is it like when you grab the super soaker and spray the cat for chewing the plants in the garden?”

Brayden adds kindly “Sort of. Also why are you spraying cats for being in the garden? That’s their spot.”

To clear up the confusion Tex adds “Cats love milk straight from the teat and will jump and contort themselves to get it.”

Unwashed “Ahhhh” all the while thinking that it’s nothing like having three super soakers lying around to keep the cats from mowing down on the azaleas as Tex and Brayden retell their childhood memories of groups of strays doing flips for dairy products

*Names have been changed to protect the identities of those who I call to move heavy road kill in the dead of night. It seems I need to bank my good karma in these here parts.