If I Was A Tamagotchi

Welcome! Congratulations on your purchase of the Unwashed Tamagotchi, this act will allow you to live out your dirt-squirreliest, hippie dreams. Before we get started, you need to know how to care for your Unwashed Tamagotchi.Unwashed tamagotchi


Unwashed prefers to eat cookies. Feeding your Unwashed Tamagotchi cookies will result in 3 happiness points and an abundance of hugs. As wonderful as endless hugs and happiness points may sound, cookies should be used sparingly because otherwise your Unwashed Tamagotchi’s health will suffer and she’ll begin to lay about moaning that her super fit mother is going to send a trainer to her door. Life with your Unwashed Tamagotchi is no fun when she is moaning about feeling spherical rather than person shaped.



Your Unwashed Tamagotchi is sensitive to the sun. At the smallest hint of light, your Unwashed Tamagotchi will bound out of bed demanding to go on a hike or bike ride, use extra thick black out curtains to ensure a good sleep. This Tamagotchi also doesn’t like sound; keep her away from noisy neighbours or risk losing happiness points. A good night’s sleep will earn 8 happiness points. Beware of late night reading, although it earns 10 happiness points, waking up the next morning costs 12 happiness points.



Your Unwashed Tamagotchi LOVES to be active, however going to the gym will kill your Unwashed Tamagotchi. This threat is so acute that even driving past a gym will result in loss of health points-use an alternate route. Stick to quiet green spaces and transportation as forms of activity and watch those happiness points accumulate. Exercise caution with exercise, because too much will cause your Unwashed Tamagotchi to whinge and a couple happiness points will be lost.



Walks in green spaces will increase your Unwashed Tamagotchi’s health meter. Walks in cities will decrease it. Cookies will cause a slight decrease. Beets make your Unwashed Tamagotchi’s health meter jump. As do social interactions.



Your Unwashed Tamagotchi wants to hang out with other Tamagotchis. Arrange for her to see and cook dinner for her friends and those happiness points will pile up.



Cookies, sleep, hikes and seeing other Tamagotchis regularly makes for a happy Tamagotchi. Gyms, cities, and travel will cause a steep loss in happiness points. After a long time alone or a lack of cookies, your Unwashed Tamagotchi will be at zero happiness points and cranky. While spending time in a noisy, crowded metropolis your Unwashed Tamagotchi will be at -10 happiness points. At that level she will be prone to laying on the ground and complaining. Flying, long car trips or travel of any type will leave your Unwashed Tamagotchi at -30 happiness points and prone to biting. While social interactions help the most, the other Tamagotchis won’t want to play with your Unwashed Tamagotchi in that state. Use cookies and reading to build happiness points.

Good luck! Enjoy your Unwashed Tamagotchi. Another note- obviously it is a terrible idea to bathe an Unwashed Tamagotchi, not only will it fry the circuits, but it will cost happiness points. Wait until stink lines begin to form around your Unwashed Tamagotchi and then light a scented candle.