- Despite my small stature I have an unparalleled ability to sneeze broadly. This is to say that if someone is standing within two feet of me when I sneeze, they will get wet. I am strangely proud of this. In other unrelated news, my social circle has rapidly decreased since the start of cold and flu season.
- The only thing I enjoy more than sneezing on people is watching others sneeze on innocent passersby. The most notable example being at a children’s concert when a boy in the back row stopped singing just long enough to cover part of the second and first row in a mixture of snot and saliva. The only person alarmed by this was the small girl standing next to him, who caught some gooey flak as well. I laughed for about five minutes. The kind of laughter where your eyes tear up and you can’t breathe. I am a horrible person, not just for this but also for my third weirdness of the day.
- I don’t believe in Kleenex. Being an environmentalist, I believe in reusable handkerchiefs. The difference between me and other environmentalists is that my arm is my hanky. It’s disgusting and I will confess that my arm hair gets crackly when I’m sick but I feel good about my green choice.
- Onto less snotty pastures, when I owned a car, I would puppeteer at stop lights. This would have been less noticeable if I didn’t have multiple sets of puppet eyes stored in the ash tray of my car for such occasions. And if I didn’t sing and flail my limbs at the same time. I frequently received thumbs up and awkward amused smiles from other drivers.
- Tragically none of my New Year’s resolutions are about changing the aforementioned behaviours.
My friend Carrie Blueberry uses this title as a tag. She also regularly takes exotic, beautiful portraits of her friends in the buff or close to it. I’m hoping that if I keep complimenting her that she’ll come to visit me so I can roll around naked in paint while she takes photos. That way when I strip down and blue myself it’s no longer weird, its art.
If you’d like to see Ms. Blueberry’s art the link is HERE.
I’ve decided to start a new theme; Daily Weirdness Wednesdays, my weird is like love; there’s enough to go around, so I’m going to share it with you all.
First Daily Weirdness: It’s not Wednesday. However I think we can all agree that it’s Wednesday in our hearts. Or if that doesn’t work, you could pretend that you’re four and don’t care about concepts like days of the week because why would you when delicious foods like mashed banana sandwiches exist?
Second Daily Weirdness: When I’m at home, I enjoy tucking my over-sized pyjama pants into my socks while pretending that I am MC Hammer. Unfortunately I have zero clue what his music sounds like, so I make disjointed beat boxing noises that sound like a snake and a robot are trying to mate. We won’t even discuss what my dancing. Suffice to say I may be related to these guys.
Third Daily Weirdness: I sing so loudly on my bike that drivers two cars ahead, turn in their seats to figure out what’s making all the racket. This is nothing compared to the sound effects I make while trying to accelerate as I cross an intersection.
Fourth Daily Weirdness : For a long time I didn’t shave my legs. And by a long time, I mean a REALLY LONG time. I used to delight in the feeling of the wind in my leg hair. Then I one morning I was possessed with the crazy desire to remove my protective fur covering. Only I stopped halfway through because shaving takes ages if it’s an annual event. The upside was that I removed the leg hair on the front of my calves so when I bike, it’s like I have imaginary “whoosh” lines behind me as the wind rushes past my remaining fur coat.