You Should See My Underpants

Wait. That came out wrong. The title was supposed to be like the joke in “Uncle Buck” when Macaulay Culkin walks into the kitchen and sees this.

(Photo Credit: wwwfyeo.blogspot.com)

(Photo Credit: wwwfyeo.blogspot.com)

Then John Candy adds “You should see the toast I couldn’t even fit it through the door.” The viewers never actually see the toast, much like my underpants. The title meant to imply that my underpants are really colourful. Tragically I forgot about the first part of that joke, which was the giant pancake, hence I should have started with a photo of my ridiculous ensemble for today. A better writer might have changed the title, however here at The Great Unwashed, we aspire to calamity not perfection, so the title stays despite the fact that it comes off as “Hey internet, are you feeling hot because I am. Maybe you should drop by my place for some tequila.” which is a lot to communicate in such a short, awkwardly written title, but there it is.

One of the benefits of going back to school, is that I’m able to express my true self with my clothing. In classes, there is no one to ask you not to come to work tomorrow because you insist on dressing like a colour blind rodeo clown. There are only confused eighteen year olds with camera phones, but I’ve always loved having my picture taken. And I can only imagine the lovely statements they’ll make about my fashion choices when they put the images online. Thus, with further adieu here is my outfit of the day.

Yes those ARE tights underneath pants. I  tend towards Mormon modesty chic.

Yes those ARE tights underneath pants. I tend towards Mormon modesty chic.

I know what you’re thinking. It’s glorious, and you didn’t even see it with my green and white monster mitts. And once again we’re not even going to mention hues of my undergarments are.

 

Oprah Wants You To Eat Jesus

It’s the time of darkness and frozen water here in Canada town which means that along with wearing two pairs of pyjama pants around the house to keep warm, it is also the time that Oprah releases her list of favourite things.

I’ve spoken before about how much I want Oprah to love me. And in the same way that girls follow their boyfriends to motocross races and pretend to enjoy the sound of roaring engines and the smell of testosterone flying about, the surest way to make someone love you is by pretending to enjoy what they are interested in. Hence why every November I rush out to the stores and ooh and ahh over Oprah’s favourite things; I want her to love me. Even loving me a little would do.

Thus in the name of making Oprah love me, I shall share some of the more special items on her list so that you too may love them and hopefully in some sort of strange karmic equation this will result in the media titan adoring me just a little.

Even if you aren’t Christian, everyone needs to go out and buy the Oprah approved nativity scene. Because it’s made of chocolate and everyone loves chocolate. Every part of these adorable figurines is edible from the tiny horse’s mane to the newborn babe himself. There’s nothing better than shouting out “Who wants to eat Jesus?” at a family gathering.

Oprah wants everyone to wear muumuus to bed. This isn’t a new concept, for years Lee Valley has been hocking dresses for men to sleep in during the winter. These wide robes are just like the Lee Valley version only they have spandex. And as everyone knows spandex makes the world go round. Quite literally, since spandex’s incorporation into most women’s clothing, obesity rates have skyrocketed. Everyone needs to buy this and then think about how much Oprah should love me while wearing it.

The muumuus look just like this but are eighty percent more sexy. Which is kind of like multiplying zero by eighty. (Photo Credit : ebay.ca)

The muumuus look just like this but are eighty percent more sexy. Which is kind of like multiplying zero by eighty. (Photo Credit : ebay.ca)

One of Oprah’s fondest desires is for everyone to be skinny. Every month she gives out tips on how to be a healthier you. Thus I can only conclude that her recommendation that to buy flesh coloured nail polish is a part of this quest. Perhaps it makes your fingers look longer and more slender if your nails are the same colour as your skin? I haven’t a clue. Whatever the reason, you need to go out and purchase some matching flesh tone nail polish immediately. You can wear it while you type up an email to Oprah about how she should love me.

Since I don’t use body wash or soap for that matter, you my Unwashed public, will need to purchase and use this next Oprah recommended item on my behalf. Based on the price alone, this product must smell like heaven crossed with a baby in a peach grove. While you are walking around smelling stupendous you can think about how awesome it would be to watch me be interviewed by Oprah. I know, you’d love it as much as I would.

Of course no Favourite Things List would be complete without an excessively superfluous item which you should buy just because it’s extravagant. May I suggest that all of my readers buy the bright orange three hundred dollar jewelry box that Oprah likes? You can give it to everyone on your list, even the men; all those compartments would be perfect for fishing lures.

Parenting The Great Unwashed

Flashback a dozen years.  I am sweet sixteen. It’s a Saturday. Normal sixteen year olds sleep in and hang out with their friends on weekends. However never having approached normal, even at sixteen, I went grocery shopping with my Mom.

Mom is in the laundry room lacing up her shoes to leave.

Mom calls- “I’m going to the store, are you ready?”

I bound into the room, raring to go.

Great Unwashed– “I’m ready!”

Mom looks my outfit up and down with concern.

The Great Unwashed – “Is it the oversized sombrero?”

Mom– “No, it’s not the oversized sombrero. It’s the sombrero and the short shorts with the mismatched pink socks in running shoes. Also the cape.”

The Great Unwashed– “The socks match! They’re both pink!”

Rainbow striped toe socks worn with thong sandals

Also an excellent combination. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mom sighing heavily – “No, one sock has a pink band at the top and the other has a black band at the top with a picture of a cat on it.”

The Great Unwashed remains unconvinced by this argument.

Mom– “You can wear the sombrero but take off the cape.”

The Great Unwashed –“But if I take off the cape I won’t look heroic or important when I run down the pasta aisle pretending to be a crime fighter, I’ll just look silly.”

Mom – “Ok, you can leave the cape.”

My mother stands at the door mentally calculating the likelihood of me coming downstairs with matching pink socks versus me coming downstairs wearing the same socks but with blue paint in my hair, if she sends me upstairs to change.

Mom – “It’s fine. Let’s just go.”

You know those parents that lament their offspring leaving for university and complain about being empty nesters? For whatever reason my Mom never did that. Some people are just lucky, I guess.