My Friend Tom : A Fan Letter That Foams At The Mouth

I have a new obsession. And for once it doesn’t involve these girls.


Don’t worry ladies, I still adore you, I just think about other topics sometimes now. (Photo Credit

Let’s just say his name. Tom Bricker. Or as he’s being referred to in my house currently “my friend Tom”, in the same tone that the acne covered, coke bottle glasses wearing girl who was just invited to sit at the popular lunch table would confidently and hopefully say “my friend Brittany”.

Anyway so this Tom fellow, we’re totally BFFs and by that, I mean he has no clue that I exist. Anyway my friend Tom runs a wildly popular website I suggest you pay a visit, even if Disney isn’t your bag. Because everyone loves good photography. And robots.

Did I forget to mention that my friend Tom is a robot? Yes he claims to be a human being with a job and the like, however in reading the Disney Tourist blog, this electronic side of him slowly became apparent.

Case and point. Tom is a lawyer. While not the most beloved job in the world, it’s a difficult one and requires a lot of education, thus we can all conclude that Tom is smart and well spoken. Robots incidentally are well spoken and extremely smart, take for example the Googles, totally brilliant and also a robot.


You can rely on me for this one; I’m well informed when it comes to the interwebs. (Photo Credit :

Now, being a lazy, layabout artist, I’m not too familiar with the rigors of being a lawyer, but the phrase 100 hour work weeks have been bandied about before. When this is considered, the fact that in addition to working full time, that Tom runs a successful blog and posts regularly, one must conclude that he is a definitely a robot who doesn’t sleep.

On top of being the world’s busiest, almost-human writer, Tom takes beautiful pictures. He takes theme parks and makes art. It’s beautiful; my friend Tom’s photos make me wish I knew how to operate my phone so that every image didn’t look like this.


What is this? It appears to be a marine creature. I don’t even know, yet images like this appear on cameras operated by me ALL THE TIME. (Photo Credit : I wish I could say the The Drunk Unwashed but I don’t drink and breastfeed, so it’s just me and my terrible skills.)

I’d post an example of Tom’s work but that would be stealing, so you’ll just have to visit his website HERE. At first, this talent for photography made me question the whole “my friend Tom is a robot” conclusion, because robots don’t have souls and therefore are incapable of creating art like Tom’s. But then it came to me- Tom is a Martian robot. While our meager earthling robots are limited by their inability to feel the beauty of a sunrise, aliens are a superior race and thus their robots outpace ours in many respects.

Anyway, being a Martian-robot-lawyer and celebrated blogger wasn’t enough for Tom, after all, he was still getting about three hours of sleep per night or whatever it is that Martian-robot-lawyers do in the wee hours. Tom and his alien motherboard thirsted for more, so he bit the Flash. Or at least, I think that’s what happened, I mean isn’t that how Peter Parker became Spiderman? By biting? Or maybe Tom was bitten, seems unlikely given that his skin is made of Depertron the hardest element known to Martians. Regardless, some sort of exchange occurred between my friend Tom and the Flash because in addition to being a Martian-robot-lawyer-writer, Tom started running marathons. Without training. (Click the link to read about it.) And he began using all of those hours that he’d previously wasted “sleeping” each night to zip around the world. While the rest of us mortal earthlings were sleeping, Tom scaled the Great Wall of China and then he swam around Alcatraz.

Then because all of that awesome can’t be contained, it must be shared, our favourite superhero-Martian-robot-lawyer-blogger created ANOTHER website that he frequently posts on; Travel Caffeine in case any of you are interested.  With all of this busyness, I did question whether Tom was time traveling to get all of this done, but quickly rejected that idea. My friend Tom is far too generous a superhero-Martian-robot-lawyer to keep such a wonderful life changing concept as time travel to himself.

Now that everyone knows what I’ve been spending my time on, you should go check out each of my friend Tom’s blogs. I’m not greedy, I can share him. And to conclude, a message specially for my new pal; sorry to blow your “I’m a normal human” cover Tom, but it had to be done. No doubt your lovely wife will be surprised however I imagine you will quickly subdue her shock with an offer to jet her to Jupiter for your wedding anniversary.

Dear Interwebs, Be My Valentine

It’s Love Month here at the Great Unwashed. Well if we’re getting technical, it’s Love Half Month; every single day leading up to the fourteenth, I am releasing a love letter written to an important person in my life. Today’s Love Letter is brought to you by The Adventures of Beka, who nominated me for a Liebster Award, thus reminding me that I really and truly love my readers, so today my Unwashed public, it’s all about you.

Dear Readers,

I love you; I loved you from the beginning when you were little bars representing five people on the graph of my daily stats. I loved you from your first “Like”, your first follow and I will always remember your comments. They bring warmth to my heart along with an unparalleled satisfaction that my work is being enjoyed (and not just by my Mom).

Though I write for myself but also because my Mom doesn’t want to hear about when I accidentally show up at church partially naked anymore, on occasion, I write for you. And I always am happy when you obviously enjoy my work too. This here website is a community and together we’re making it great. So I just wanted to say thank you and express my continued gratitude and admiration that you take the time to read my words.

Though I won’t nominate any bloggers because I’ve given out the Liebster Award before, I will answer some questions.

  1. What food means “home” to you?

I don’t have a food that means home, but weirdly enough watching these women is my comfort food.

Jude me, please judge me. I ave watched this series no less than eight times. (Photo Credit

Judge me, please judge me. I have watched this series no less than eight times. And that’s a conservative estimate. (Photo Credit

  1. What is your life motto?

“Eat all the cheese”. I stand for cheese, consistently eat all of it, and rarely share with others. If that isn’t a motto to live by, I don’t know what is. No one ever says “Eat all the turnip” mostly because the replacement motto would soon be, “Run from all the flatulence”.

  1. If you discovered a magic ring that made you invisible, what would you do with it?

I would take the small person “I can fit in that” game to new levels and scare the living daylights out of every person I live and work with.

Now imagine she’s invisible- my whole life would be spent crouching in tiny spaces waiting for my next victim (Photo Credit:

Now imagine she’s invisible- my whole life would be spent crouching in tiny spaces waiting for my next victim (Photo Credit:

  1. Cold or hot weather?

Why are we talking about the weather? I thought these were intended to be hard hitting questions, aren’t you supposed to ask whether my mother loved the dog better than me? (She didn’t, you’re thinking of the cats, she loved the cats more than me. In her defense the cats were far more agreeable and would never use invisibility and their small stature to kill others with fright.)

  1. Why do you blog?

To write, to share my stories, to have an outlet for my creativity, to amuse myself, and others.

  1. What keeps your blog fresh?

A twice weekly scrubbing. I jest, that would be awful. No, I sprinkle lemon zest on my computer just before clicking “Publish”.

Happy Valentine’s Day Readers,

I can’t wait to celebrate with you next year too.

The Great Unwashed