Deadly Wolverine Mornings

I am a creature of habit. When I am taken out of my routine for any reason; trans-Atlantic trips, long car rides, late nights, the consequences can be serious for myself and others. This is what happened when I stayed up way way way past my bedtime on Saturday night.

I woke up on Sunday morning and all but shouted the word “No!” because I was so cross to be conscious which was surprising because I generally look something like this in the morning.

“Oh good morning my avian friends! If you help me dress I shall sing and bring you joy, as well as bird seed!” (Photo Credit

“Oh good morning my avian friends! If you help me dress I shall sing and bring you joy, as well as bird seed!” (Photo Credit

Sensing the imminent danger, Tex fled the room. Normally I hop out of bed, raring to start my day; tackling dishes, cooking elaborate breakfasts, possibly penning a couple of nonsensical cards to family members.

“Dear Family,

Mornings are amazing and beautiful! I’ve decided to cancel the night, please write back and tell me how you feel about this.

Much energy,

The Great Unwashed”

But not this morning, instead I curled the covers around my head protecting my already hot self from the sound of an irritatingly awake world. “I am grumpy, possibly forever” and I concluded that I would stay in bed, possibly forever.

“I am no longer a person”, I thought to myself, “I am a wolverine, I shall bite the wrist of anyone who tries to extract me from my wolverine hole. Not a terrible tendon severing bite but a show of power bite, using only enough force to make them leave me alone.”

How badly do you want me to get up? (Photo Credit:

How badly do you want me to get up?
(Photo Credit:

I stared at the wall, contemplating whether I should sharpen my newly feral teeth on the wood paneling when the need to pee made itself obvious and my train of thought changed slightly. “I am an untamed wolverine with excellent coordination, when I can no longer hold my bladder; I shall pee into one of the water bottles next to the bed so I can remain in my wolverine hole forever.”

I lay still a while longer thinking snarly wolverine thoughts about roaming the forest alone and eating badgers, but then my stomach growled. I ignored it. Apparently taken with the whole wolverine idea, my stomach growled again but louder. I stayed firmly ensconced in my angry, over-heated pile of blankets. “I am a super model wolverine” I thought, “Desire for nourishment is nothing. All the other wolverines wish they could ignore their hunger and bodily functions as well as me.”

I might still be in my wolverine hole if Tex hadn’t reappeared in the room and instead of pulling me from my mountain of blankets, hugged me and asked whether I wanted coffee.

Neither wolverines nor grouchy Unwasheds can resist coffee, so I got up.

Breaking News: The Great Unwashed Spotted In A Metropolis

The Great Unwashed disappeared late last week. Family and friends first noticed her absence when the The Great Unwashed blog had not been updated. A visit to the author’s house confirmed suspicions. Based on the items missing from The Great Unwashed’s home the Antarctic, Tahiti and Quebec were thought to be possible destinations for this unclean writer. Further investigation into her medicine cabinet turned up multiple tubes of sunscreen, consequently Tahiti was ruled out.

Neighbours could not comment as they were elbow deep in a set of barbequed spare ribs. But when reached via phone, her cousin Candy, of the stripper nom de plume, stated “Unwashed hates travelling, you should really stop looking for her. Seriously, she might bite you out of spite and jet lag.”

Yesterday The Great Unwashed was reportedly spotted exiting a car in Toronto while lugging two large bags. At first this sighting was falsely dismissed as this often disheveled blogger loathes large cities, cars and lifting anything heavier than a box of Q-tips. However the Unwashed sighting was confirmed when later a separate passerby overheard the following comment being made to a train station employee. “Sir, your promise that my luggage will meet me at the end of the trip had better be a good one because there is exactly one pair of underwear in my carry on and they’re not even clean.” This type of extensive, off colour overshare could only be made by one woman.

Further news of The Great Unwashed’s whereabouts is welcome, sightings can be reported using the hotline 1 888 NO BATHS. Bystanders are advised to use caution when approaching as The Great Unwashed is carrying hardcover books that she may brain people with, depending on her mood, which is assumed to be poor given that she hasn’t slept in her own bed for days.