This Is My Cocaine

Or rather it would be but for one tricky ingredient. In addition to our family’s continued commitment to biking, buying secondhand, reducing our reliance on fossil fuels and living in sweaters for the majority of the year, I’ve started branching out with my environmental activism- by asking companies directly to change what they are doing.

Dear the good people of Nabisco,

I heard somewhere once that Oreos are more addictive than cocaine. I love Oreos, not only did I totally believe this, but I have experienced their addictiveness firsthand. You have an excellent product. I’ve never tried cocaine, but I’ve compiled a list of why Oreos are superior.

Reasons Why Oreos Are Better Than Cocaine

  1. They are delicious. Very delicious. I’m fairly certain cocaine doesn’t go in a person’s mouth. Don’t quote me on that. I’m not well informed on these topics. The only thing I’m certain of is that cocaine doesn’t go in your ear. Or maybe it does. You know what? Never mind, we should move on.
  2. You can share a box and make friends. Sharing drugs makes one a drug dealer and a felon. Best to bring a box of cookies.
  3. Three words: chocolate dipped Oreos. Again, I’m not familiar with the seedy underbelly of the drug world but I’m 99.8% certain that chocolate dipped cocaine isn’t a thing. Or at the very least it hasn’t been suggested to my Pintrest board.
  4. You can acquire them at a grocery store and not in a back alley. A plus for those who value their wellbeing, which I do.
  5. No policeman will ever search your car for Oreos. Only because I’m not a policeman. If I was I would be searching people’s cars ALL THE TIME.
  6. If you eat too many Oreos, you can ride your bike to work to get them off your hips. Good for you and a plus for the environment. Again, not too familiar with the drug world, but I’m fairly certain there are flashing lights and sirens involved when there’s a question of too much cocaine.
  7. You’ll never have to get in trouble with your roommates for consuming all the Oreos. Actually, this is a lie and has frequently happened to me. Can I hide behind the statement of how addictive Oreos are?

I then of course, had to compile the opposite list just to compare.

Reasons Why Cocaine is Better Than Oreos

  1. It doesn’t contain palm oil.

This one reason is driving force behind why our family has not purchased not only Oreos but any Nabisco cookies, since 2017, when we stopped consuming palm oil. The rainforests are burning. Part of that destruction is the result of the world’ hunger for beef, but palm oil also plays a large role. Canola oil is an excellent emulsifier and furthermore is a local product which is raised in Canada and the United States.

As you can tell from my list, I love Oreos. And I’ll be honest; I miss them dearly and stroke the packages longingly as I pass by them in the grocery store. But my desire for a world with intact rainforests is greater. Please use canola oil in the place of palm oil in your Nabisco cookies.

Sincerely,

The Great Unwashed

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