Why Do I Always Guest Star In Pornos or The True Secret To #WinningParenting

I don’t claim to be the best parent ever. In fact, I’m probably third from the worst but generally, in public at least, I keep my act together. Except for that time I wanted to beat up a septogenarian. Or at Halloween when we kept our three year old out so late that he lost interest in candy and decorations. However I can definitively say, that I have not bang-a-langed in public while with my child. Previously, I felt that this was a key step in raising well adjusted children, my experience last weekend now leaves me questioning that conclusion.

At the Children’s Museum, there was this pair of Francophones who were sitting on a bench pawing at each other like teenagers. You know how people shout “Get a room!” at couples who are getting a little too amorous in public? I felt like saying “Get a consent form!” or possibly “You might need to check the provincial legislation before trying that move.” It was a little extreme. And creative.

These people were going at it like it was some sort of dirty movie. I could all but hear the “Bow-chick-a-Bow-wow” music playing inside their heads. However they were kind enough to leave half the bench empty so being a person who makes poor choices, I sat next to them for a bit because it was the closest seat to my son’s chosen play area but it was kind of awkward. And by kind of awkward, I didn’t know whether I should be filming the couple or writing up a ticket for a citizen’s arrest.

All the while, I saw these two little girls who were playing so sweetly together, they were just wandering from gallery to gallery, happy as could be. Mini-Tex was having a heck of a time getting into the play structure and needed help to get from one level to another, so when the girls returned, I asked them whether they would help him. I thought maybe the girls would give my son a boost and just go back to their play. No, suddenly my three year old had two best friends who wanted to lift him and show him all the fun spots he couldn’t reach previously in the structure. The kids just had a ball together. At one point the tow girls got Mini-Tex to cling to a hanging pool noodle and pushed him like Tarzan swinging on vines through the jungle.

The girls were very careful to always make sure that he was safe. It was delightful to watch because Mini-Tex was elated to not only have such interested playmates but to try out all the elements of the structure that he had spent a year merely looking at. So there I am, trying to avoid the soft core porn on the bench occurring next to the play structure while keeping my son in my sights.

The girls played with Mini-Tex for over an hour. He had the time of his life. I kept watch for their parents to commend them on what an awesome job they were doing and how kind their girls were but never spotted them. In the meantime, the Francophones had decided to do a hands-on, educational demonstration of how to create more children. A perfect exhibit for the Children’s Museum if a person thinks about it really. The other parents and I averted our eyes while the kids played innocently around the public display.

Eventually, the girls made their way down the play structure with Mini-Tex. “We have to go, it’s his nap time.” I informed my son’s new friends. “We will walk you to the door” the little girls all but sang at Mini-Tex and me. Then, I watched in utter shock as the girls rushed over to the French couple. “Maman, Papa, on revient!”

So that seals it, apparently I have to start dry humping my husband in the supermarket so that our son grows up to be as independent and kind hearted as those two little people. Sex in public- it’s my newest parenting hack. And here all of you concerned parents were debating to spank or not to spank. Clearly the answer is to spank, just not your children.

 

Also, in case you don’t remember, this isn’t the first time that I’ve made an accidental cameo in a dirty movie. The last time was five years ago. Apparently this is something I do twice a decade.

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Four Years Ago Today

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I still relive this day in my head with the same joy and excitement that I felt climbing up that hill and kissing my new husband for so long that the minister commented on it. (Photo Credit : Sula)

Tex,

I’m sorry. Once again, you undoubtedly bought me the perfect card which sums up your feelings for me and inscribed it with a heartfelt and romantic message of gratitude and love. And in return you received a Happy Hanukkah card with a porcupine on it-which is a bit of a head-scratcher because to start with, we’re not Jewish. I’m a little rubbish at personal milestones.

Don’t let my inability to choose heartwarming stationary make you think that I don’t care. It sounds trite, but every single day you inspire me to be a better person; the kindness that you unconditionally show to the world makes me smile. And makes me wish I could be that nice. Most of the time, I settle for having a truly empathetic and loving spouse while continuing to be my mischievous and slightly unpleasant self.

I said it in our wedding vows, but I hunted you down with all the stealth and cunning of a puma. And every day I look at you and think “I’d do it again in a heartbeat.” You’re the most funny, interesting, smart person I know. You’re the only person I ever dated who matched the magnitude of my passion and zest for life. Your deep commitment to your interests brings me joy. From the time we met, you are and remain, my favourite person ever. I can’t wait for our next wedding anniversary and all the ones to come.

Also, right now, hold onto those fluttery, nice feelings you have towards me. I need to confess something. I told our mailman that you’re a never-nude.

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It’s exactly like this. Only with black socks. Photo Credit : Twitter.

It just came out. Sorry. But it is odd that in the five years that we’ve been together, I’ve never once glimpsed your feet.

As always,

your loving, but overly chatty wife