Materials Needed:

Spatula

Mixing bowl

A strong man like the kind that used to appear in carnival sideshows in the 1930s. If you can’t find one of these one of the large, grunting men from the gym will suffice as well.

A cement mixer for when the strong man gets tired.

 

Ingredients

1 cup whole wheat flour

1/2 cup butter – coconut butter works too if you’re one of those people

1/2 cup sugar

2 tbsp of flax meal

3 tbsp of water, the initial recipe said 2 but frankly I’m not sure how the batter can be mixed with less liquid

1 egg

1 tbsp vanilla extract, supposedly this is optional but again, with this recipe, the more liquid the better

1 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp of salt

1-2 tbsp of brewers yeast (If you haven’t a clue what this is or how it’s different from regular yeast, not to worry- you aren’t alone. The first step is to to go the nearest hippie store- you know the one where everyone who shops there has dreadlocks? If they don’t have it go to an even weirder hippie store. You know the one I’m talking about; the kind that only allows you to bring your own containers, where you question whether the proprietors own underwear. THEY will have brewers yeast. They also may even sell breastmilk cookies, only they’ll call them by their proper name- lactation cookies. Anyway, do that and under no circumstances are you to use any other kind of yeast- it won’t work and instead of making funny tasting cookies that promote lactation all you’ll have is funny tasting cookies.)

1 to 1 1/2 cups of steel cut oats, the original recipe calls for organic but you needn’t be that pretentious

A certain amount of shredded zucchini, or apple, or some other wet shredded substance.

Steps

1. In a large bowl cream the butter and sugar. Easy enough right? (Revel in the ease of this step- it’s about to get more difficult.)
2. Mill the flax seeds. The omega oil in these together with the brewer’s yeast and the steel cut oats are the milk makers in the recipe. So make sure to be generous with these ingredients. Combine a couple of these cookies with a glass of wine and to quote my GP “There’ll be milk everywhere! On the ceiling- all over!” You can use a blender to chop up the seeds. Then combine them with the water so they form kind of a paste.
3. Mix all the dry ingredients together except for the oats; flour, salt, cinnamon, brewer’s yeast. The brewers yeast is supposed to smell strange. All products from hippie stores have a unique scent. It’s just counterculture off gassing, which is exactly like paint off gassing only without the worry of carcinogens. Don’t be concerned if you suddenly have the urge to buy an electric car after inhaling- that’s normal.
4. Add the flax paste to the creamed sugar and butter. Stir in the egg and the vanilla.
5. Go fetch the strong man. You may  want to have the cement mixer on standby.
6. Have the strong man attempt to mix all the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients. Stop him just before his arms rip off because no one wants a strong man that looks like a broken Barbie doll. Break out the cement mixer to finish the work. If necessary, use a jackhammer to chip the batter out of the cement mixer.
7. No matter how hard your strong man and cement mixer have worked, there’s probably going to be a bit of dry ingredients at the bottom. This is where the shredded zucchini/apple/eggplant/radish/whatever-the-hell-you-have-on-hand-to-add-some-moisture-to-the-dough comes in. Use it to mix in the last bit of the dry ingredients. And add some more so you don’t end up breaking the jackhammer too once the oats have been added.
8. Add the cup and a half of oats. If the strong man’s spirit and self image has been broken by the recipe, ice his shoulders and sit him down with an action flick- I suggest a classic like “Die Hard”.
9. Preheat the oven to 340 F. I know it seems low and like an odd number but this whole recipe is out there, so just go with it. Form the dough into small balls and place on the tray. They won’t rise, move, flatten, or really do anything, so in theory you could place them a millimetre apart. But your baking tray might crumple under the weight of them so a centimeter or so is likely best.
10. Bake for 12 to 13 minutes.
11. Serve to your family and record the reaction

 

Tex – “These are excellent horse treats.”

Janie our German au pair – “I think that this is not a cookie.”

Mini-Tex – Chucked his across the room and giggled hysterically when it exploded on impact. By contrast, my husband was not amused by the dent in the wall.

Me “Excellent for a hippie cookie, just the right amount of after taste to let a person know it’s healthy.”