Reasons Why I Am A Bad Person and Other Excuses For Not Calling You

The woman whose maternity leave I am covering approached me and said “Here’s my phone number. I know it can be hard to make friends in small towns and I want to hang out with you. Text me when you are free.” That was three months ago, I still haven’t texted her. It’s getting a little awkward. Because I told her I would text her after I returned from vacation. The following are a series of messages I debated sending to explain my long silence.

“Hey Annie,

Thanks so much for reaching out to me, sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner; I was recovering from PTSD acquired from visiting the throbbing metropolis that is Toronto for two weeks. I kept having nightmares about tiny dogs in strollers and forty dollar appetizers. I’m good to hang out now- how’s Tuesday?”

 

But then I thought better of it. After all, you never know when someone is a closeted Chihuahua owner and will slip their beloved “Poochie” into the big wheeled Thule to ride next to their daughter. So I wrote this.

 

“Annie,

It was so kind of you to offer to befriend me. Sorry I haven’t texted you sooner, it’s just my husband and I are talking about having another child so I’ve been day drinking to prepare for a nine month abstinence from tequila and I felt like other moms might judge my ten am margarita.”

 

But that text might have resulted in the aforementioned judgment I was attempting to avoid and the only thing I need with my morning pina colada is more Patrón. So I thought of another excuse.

 

“Hi Annie,

Sorry I didn’t text you sooner. I was contemplating starting a life of crime and therefore felt it best not to begin new friendships that would inevitably be cut off when I started to rob banks. But after accidentally stealing my great aunt’s new bed sheets and the extreme guilt that followed, I’ve decided the criminal underworld isn’t for me. Shall we be friends? You needn’t worry about wearing your heirloom jewelry around me now.”

 

But what I actually should have sent but didn’t, is a text with the truth.

 

Dear Annie,

Thank you so much for extending an offer of friendship. That simple act buoyed me up so much and I thought of it for the weeks afterward while I was out of the province. I even thought of you during the weeks following my return home when life consisted of missed naps and laundry.

As a Mom, I’m desperately exhausted and although I’d like company more than anything in the world, that involves moving from the couch which seems like an insurmountable challenge. Consequently, I’ve resigned myself to just having my husband as my primary source of social interaction because he’s often on the couch next to me.

Getting together is obviously out of the question but I’m totally up for a texting relationship. Shall we message potential plans to one another and then invariably cancel when one of our babies is either ill, napping or excessively cranky?

Thanks again for your kind gesture. I’m sure you’d make an awesome friend.

Sarah

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