It’s been noted that new parents bare a startling resemblance to inebriated undergrads, the following is a handy guide which characterizes various behaviours to help tell if you are dealing with a tipsy twenty-something or a newly minted parent.
- Late nights
Drunken undergrads are known for staying up late, stumbling around and then passing out wherever looks softest. Mothers also are known to host all night parties. This behavior cannot be used to differentiate the two
- Little Sleep Followed By Excessive Napping
After these all night parties both new parents and fratboys have been known to take naps during the day. Once again, daytime siestas cannot be used as a way to tell between a new parent and a fratboy.
- An Excess Of Skin
If you find yourself surrounded by cleavage and boobs there are one of two places you might be; a sorority party or a breastfeeding moms group. Tread carefully, previously the presence of sequins ruled out the latter but since the emergence of stylish nursing tops, this is no longer a reliable way to distinguish between the two populations.
- Forgetting Items Everywhere
Misplacing one’s phone and identification is a time honored tradition of both intoxicated students and new moms. If the phone is lying next to a squeaky toy, it is most likely a new parent encounter but there is a trend of students owning dogs so this is not a definitive qualifier.
- Traveling In Groups While Engaging In The Same Activity
Undergrads are notorious for running wild in packs; jogging, playing sports or hollering in public places. Likewise, mothers are often found working out in parks as a group or practicing yoga, they have also been known to yell in commercial centers, in particular grocery stores. Thus unless one is standing next to the egg section, it’s questionable whether it is a parent or student meeting.
As evidenced by the lists of characteristics above, it’s almost impossible to tell a drunken undergrad from a new mother. The only truly reliable way to tell if the person sleeping at the park with their breasts showing with no identification or phone, surrounded by other similarly attired people, is whether or not they have a baby.
I just wanted to thank you so much for helping me with this post. Over the last two years, I have been a drunken undergraduate. Now that I have read this, I’m starting to realise that I may, in fact, be a mother… At some point, I must have gotten confused between the 2 since they are so similar.
Now I just got to find my baby…
Best of luck in that quest. Vodka may help.
Not especially helpful but highly entertaining.
Incidentally that was the exact comment on my performance review as a salesperson at Suzy Shire.
😄 Happy New Year!
Thank you. Same to you!
So life hasn’t changed too much for you over the past few years other than postal code and flexible cleavage cover. 😉 missing you
It would seem that it hasn’t.