We all do it, yet it’s a terrible pastime, let’s outline the reasons why.
- Your Ex is never fat enough
After I’ve dated someone, I prefer that they pile on the pounds like someone in a lifelong hotdog eating competition. Even if they’ve gained fifty kilos and are starting to look more spherical than person shaped, the preferable size for exes is along the lines of a Macy’s Thanksgiving parade balloon.
- No one ever takes pictures of themselves being waterboarded
There are approximately three trillion photos of food on Facebook and one hundred million photos of beach vacations. Yet the important moments that I don’t want to miss in my exes’ lives; being strapped to a rack or crying as drops roll down their face for the seventeenth hour in a row are never uploaded. How is it that tandoori chicken takes precedence over the moment when they close the iron maiden?
- Their new significant others are too attractive
My favourite types of people for exes to date come in two categories; fugly and bridge troll. If I click past a picture and my ex’s new partner doesn’t inspire images of goats and small children disappearing into gap toothed maws, I’m disappointed.
- They always look so damn happy
No one commands people to “Funnel your inner demons into a grimace” when they take a picture. Instead humanity is instructed to “Say cheese” and “Smile”. Any expression short of gut wrenching inner turmoil just doesn’t pass mustard with me.
- They have this pesky habit of still standing
Ideally after a break up, I would like my exes to say to themselves “Well there goes my reason for living” and then they should lie down where they are and wait for death. This has yet to happen thus images of my ex standing next to friends or family members always have a certain irritating, taunting quality.
My solution to this problem? That everyone in the world take photos of themselves in dire and painful straights; holding their heads in despair, struggling to swim against an over-powering rip current, etc. I volunteer the last three men I dated to go first