On The Road : The Flying Maddie Kerouac

Posted on August 30, 2015 by The Great Unwashed

10 AM – This is bad. This is very bad. The bags are packed. I repeat the bags are packed. Every single one of them, from the small purse bag to the over-sized wheelie bag. I would run around in a frenzy but anxiety has pinned me helplessly to the floor. Worst of all, the purple prison has emerged.

Life up until now has been pretty good. Admittedly there have been some rough times like when Sula disappears for what feels like forever and I stay with either the nice smelling woman who gives me endless treats (Who gets a cookie for peeing and has no thumbs? This dog.) or the newly fat one who takes me paddleboarding and hiking but ultimately, it’s a good life.

Then I met the purple prison. It showed up at the nice smelling woman’s house. I got stuck in it for longer and longer periods of time. Sure I got treats afterwards but nothing makes up for shoving yourself into the world’s smallest hiding place in a hellish game of hide and go seek where everyone can see you.

Now it’s out again. I rode in it ages ago when we went into a tiny building with bad smelling air and too many people that made my ears hurt. The building made a lot of noise and I was trapped in the violet temple of doom for what was probably a day before Sula helped me fight my way out. Then we got in a car and drove for what must have been two days.

The point is, the bags are packed, the purple prison is out and nothing good can happen from now on. Possibly forever, the purple prison is exceptionally powerful.

4 PM – Terrifying update – The fish is being packed! When Sula returned from Alaska she brought with her a giant box of delicious smelling frozen fish. Sula said while I was staying with the newly fat one and the tattooed man that she had caught the fish in a river. She was silly and wrapped all of the fish in plastic so they’re difficult to eat raw and all at once, but I forgive my master when she does foolish things sometimes.

Oh no, oh no, why are the fish being packed? I liked the fish. I had planned to eat the fish with Sula, but now I don’t know what’s happening.

4:30 PM – There are shoes. I repeat everyone is putting on their shoes! Please let me come, please let me come, please let me come, don’t take away all of the bags and the fish and leave me here forever. I’m standing next to the door so you know that I’m ready to leave, I will follow you anywhere, please let me come.

4:35 PM – The newly fat one is holding onto my leash while Sula and the tattooed man carry everything else including (horrors!) the purple prison. I would prefer that Sula hold my leash so I knew I was staying with her, but her hands are full.

4:36 PM – Sula and the newly fat one are urging me to pee. Who can pee when everything good in the world is packed up into bags???

4:37 PM – Me apparently. After I relieve myself, Sula, the newly fat one and I continue down the street without the tattooed man and the fish. Why are we leaving the fish? I liked the fish! And the tattooed man wasn’t too bad either; he would play a game to towel me off when I was wet and I slept in between him and the newly fat one on their bed.

4:38 PM – Calm yourself Mads, we can live without fish and the tattooed man, we still have the two most important people, life is good. Ok, life isn’t good, but it’s manageable, your favourite ball went into the suitcase, we can remedy this awful situation.

4:39 Pm – We are in the car, sure it’s a really hot car but this isn’t so bad. Focus; you are in the car with your two most important people, life is ok, pant, life is ok.

4:40 PM – We drive the car down the road and pick up the tattooed man and the fish. Hurray! The fish are back. I jump on the tattooed man’s lap when he climbs into the car to express my gratitude; thank you for returning my fish! Dinner is back on.

4:45 PM – I am riding on the newly fat one’s lap which has become smaller of late. I do not like this arrangement. Not only would I be more comfortable in the backseat on Sula’s lap but then I could be sure that she would stay with me and not leave again.

5:00 PM – The car is slowing down. This does not look like the dog park. I do not like this new place. I give a plaintiff look to both Sula and the newly fat one in the hopes we will leave and go to a dog park. Or even better we could go to a beach! I love the beach.

5:05 PM – This building smells like cleaning fluid, fear and hurry. Worst of all I am being held by the newly fat one while Sula walks away with all of the bags. Newly fat one, follow her! Don’t you understand that the only way to survive is by staying together?

5:07 PM – Where are they taking the bags? My favourite ball is in there!

5:11 PM – We’ve actually lost the fish now. A frowny woman I didn’t recognize in a uniform came and put them in a machine. Goodbye fish, goodbye dinner. I guess I don’t actually need you now that my bowels have seized up from worry. I don’t think I will ever eat again. This fact is confirmed when Sula tries to feed me a piece of buttered bagel and it falls directly out of my mouth. The world is ending and food tastes like sawdust.

5:15 PM – I am standing on both Sula and the newly fat one to prevent them from getting away. Sure I’d like the pack to stay together but I am small, and the tattooed man feeds me treats but not meals; I have to be prudent about my choices.

If I can just stay in this position until the end of time, then everything will be good. (Photo Credit : Tex)

5:20 PM – Ack! I moved to stretch my legs and now Sula is walking away.

If I don’t blink, I can keep her in my sight. (Photo Credit : Tex)

5:21 PM – She is back, the world is ok now. Well not ok, but you get my drift.

5:25 PM – A horrible thought has just occurred to me, the bags are gone, but the purple prison is still here. Am I supposed to go in the purple prison again?

What if I can’t ever get out? (Photo Credit : Tex)

5:27 pm – Seeing my distress, the tattooed man tries to cuddle me.

Tattooed man, you are not good at this. It’s for this reason that I was willing to cut you from my pack. (Photo Credit : The Great Unwashed)

5:28 PM – Sula picks me up and I relax entirely in her arms. This would be a good place to die, maybe I should just expire here while we’re all together and the horrible purple cage hasn’t captured me.

5:30 PM – My worst fears have been confirmed; the newly fat one is placing me in the purple temple of doom.

Please beloved fat one, don’t put me in here, I might never escape. (Photo Credit : Tex)

5:32 PM – Everyone is hugging. Why is everyone hugging? People leave after this happens. Stop hugging! Or hug me so I know that I am coming with you.

5:33 PM – All is well, Sula is picking me up, I am going with her.

5:34 PM – Scratch that, the pack is breaking up again; the newly fat one and the tattooed man aren’t walking with us!

5:36 PM – The rest of the pack has reappeared, but they’re stuck behind a glass door. I plead with them to find the handle so they can join us. They are smiling and waving. The newly fat one is pressing her face into the glass. How can they joke around at a time like this? Do they not understand that I will need all of their help to escape the purple prison?

For Pete’s sake come out from behind that glass and rescue me from this purple case of torture! (Photo Credit : Tex)

Update: Maddie survived her harrowing adventure and made it safely back home and out of her traveling case, after flying once again in a small noisy building. A day and a half later, her bowels unclenched and she attempted to recreate herself in poop form. This would have been more impressive had I myself not done such a thing after a trip. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why I love her so much; we both hate traveling and airplanes.

In case you are interested, small dogs may fly in the cabin of airplanes if they and their carrier together weigh less than 22lbs or the weight of a small personal item. The dogs must stay in the case FOR THE ENTIRE TIME and must be stored under the seat in front of their owner. The airplane must be notified in advance that they are flying with someone and there is an additional fee. Animals are not permitted on flights longer than four hours out of respect for their well being and need to pee. Sula limited Maddie’s water intake before the flight to visit me and going back.

Travesty Tuesday- The Wedding Invitation Edition

Posted on August 25, 2015 by The Great Unwashed

Dear Peeps,

You are invited to attend the wild rumpus which celebrates the wedding of Unwashed and Tex, who were married on August 10th 2015 on Lightninghill despite the curse and the First Nations people’s refusal to visit said place. A GIANT storm occurred right after the ceremony so it’s possible everyone invited will be hexed for rejoicing about the aforementioned union.

The celebration will be held at the Legion Hall in Backwater Boomtown on Saturday September 5th 2015. The dress code is casual to naked as indicated by the front of this card. Cocktails 5pm, dinner 6:30, possible thunderstorm to follow. Please leave large metal sticks, umbrellas and over-sized antennas at home.

I don’t think there’s an image around that captures both true love and wild rumpus. (Photo Credit : Bellagio cards and some very well known painter that I really ought to know the name of )

RSVP sarahwritescreativethingshere@gmail.com or by carrier pigeon.

Much warmth and a potential old voodoo spell,

The Great Unwashed

For the record, had I known about the superstition surrounding Lightninghill, I might not have been so eager to get married there. As it was, Tex’s brother decided to tell everyone AFTER the ceremony that we might be cursed. That night, I sat ramrod straight in bed while the most violent thunderstorm I have ever experience all but rocked the farm house off its foundation. Tex had left the room to close the basement windows so I was left all alone to clutch my knees and apologize to whatever force it was that I had angered for getting married on Lightninghill while being convinced that I was going to die by a random outpouring of electrons finding the quickest path to earth.

My sister-in-law kindly pointed out that being the tallest place in the area, historically it likely incurred the most lightning strikes, (thus the name) and it takes only a couple of dead people to start a rumour.

Cowboy Quotables

Posted on August 21, 2015 by The Great Unwashed

Sometimes the stories and phrases Tex comes out with are just too much. For example, when we were driving around a month before our impending nuptials, there was a billboard next to the road advertising services “Wedding season is here! Book an appointment to whiten your teeth today!”

Unwashed – “Tex, should we get our teeth whitened for wedding photos?”

Tex “Only if we’re going to bleach our a$#holes while we’re at it.”

Had I not immediately realized that cowboys don’t care about the colour of their teeth, I would have been REALLY worried about Tex’s ideas for our wedding photos. Imagine trying to explain your bare butt riding a horse bareback through wheat fields to your grandmother. “It’s a custom there Grandma, it’s better not to question it.”

Tex and I are taking care of Sula’s dog while she is off on another northern adventure. For the most part Tex enjoys our new furry companion, however he is upset by some aspects of having an indoor dog.

Maddie snores her little puppy snores in between us, this scene as well as the accompanying odour prompted Tex to say “My bedding smells like dog and my dog smells like bedding!”

Unwashed – “This can’t be a new thing- your family had a husky growing up. Didn’t your dog Mika ever sleep in the bed with you?”

Tex looks at me like I’d suggested he try on a pair of marabou mules

But Tex, they would bring out the green in your eyes so well. (Photo Credit : polyvore.com)

Tex – “No, she slept outside.”

Unwashed – “All the time? What about when it was really cold?”

Tex – “Well of course if it was fifty below she’d sleep in the garage.” (For my American friends that’s -58 Fahrenheit) Gazing around at Maddie’s various stuffed animals littering the floor, “Also my dog didn’t have toys. Well once Mika did, when she stole a decomposing deer hide from a pack of coyotes but they showed up a week later to take it back. She tried to fight them off though.”

Maddie bear, as much as I love you, it’s possible you’re considered a barking housecat by cowboys. (Photo Credit: northofthegrid.com)

The last one wasn’t so much a cowboy quote as a general man quote.

Tex upon exiting the bathroom- “Man those double downs are a gut bomb, I just experienced Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire”.”

For the record he ate not one but two of these “sandwiches” this would have been an impressive feat had I not personally witnessed Tex demolish a family sized bucket of chicken in one sitting. Cowboys are apparently gifted with the kind of metabolism that allows them to eat a horse after they ride one.

I can’t picture this being anything but a gastrointestinal disaster. (Photo Credit : fastfoodnutrition.org)

No Words Today, Just Smiles

Posted on August 11, 2015 by The Great Unwashed

Photo Credit : Sula

True Cowboy Love

Posted on August 3, 2015 by The Great Unwashed

This was an actual conversation that occurred between me and Tex

Tex – “Unwashed, I’m packing for the wedding, which gun do you want out of the gun cabinet to come to the farm?”

The Great Unwashed – “I don’t want the guns out of the cabinet here, I want the little gun.”

Tex – “You mean the hand gun?”

The Great Unwashed – “No not the hand gun, the little gun at the farm!”

Tex – “I thought you wanted a shot gun. Let’s bring the shot gun.”

The Great Unwashed – “My family is going to cack their pants because there will be a gun at the wedding as it is, you CANNOT bring your shot gun. We are using the old gun that’s at the farm, it will look good in pictures.”

Tex – “Well if we’re going to use a farm gun can’t we use the lever action Winchester .30-30? It’s old, it’s the style of gun John Wayne would have used.”

Enthusiastic person inquiring about my wedding- “What are your colours?” The Great Unwashed “John Wayne.” This generally stops all questioning in its tracks*. (Photo Credit : death2ur.com)

The Great Unwashed – “No! We’re using the older gun that sometimes misfires**.” Stops mid thought. “Can we continue this conversation when I’m not on the phone please?” In a lower voice into the receiver. “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation.”

Luckily this interaction occurred while I was on the phone with Sula, who had just returned from three months of riding across the Arctic on an ATV with a rifle strapped to her back and using a toilet that was made by blasting a hole through the bottom of a chair. Hence a discussion of which firearm to bring to Tex’s and my wedding didn’t seem outrageous.

*For the record we don’t have wedding colours, and the John Wayne theme was an unintentional one. I swear Tex always wears a cowboy hat and boots while at home, the bolo is new though.

For all those who aren’t trying to decide which firearm to best aesthetically compliment their nuptials this is a bolo. (Photo Credit : pinterest.com)

**The idea of having a gun that misfires at a celebration of love sounds terrifying however this ancient boomstick is the only one in Tex’s collection that I consistently remember how to verify that it ISN’T loaded. Knowing how to check if a firearm is loaded is a vital part of gun safety. Seeing as I have not yet mastered other parts of gun safety, like keeping my eyes open while I shoot, I like to hold tight to my successes in that area.

Also being over one hundred years old, I’m hoping I can pass off the antique gun as a movie prop to my city slicker family. I probably shouldn’t have posted that last sentence. Have I mentioned I’m an atrocious secret keeper?