I  re-wrote my cover letter recently, apparently the one I was using wasn’t appropriate. I’m publishing a version of it so you, my readers can decide for yourselves.

Dear Big Cheese,

I’m awesome. As in like super awesome. So awesome in fact, that you might think I can fly. I can’t but I am that great. You should really consider me for a job with your company.

Along with being super amazeballs fantastic, I have lots of skills. For example, I steal. A lot. But before you get too worried and start locking up the staplers, I should tell you that I only steal ideas, which I will bring to your company. Because I’m super awesome amazeballs great. It’s going to be marvelous, let me tell you. I’m sure you’ll love my habit of stowing unusual fruits in my clothing. It livens up meetings like you wouldn’t believe. My habit takes the joke “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” and makes it fresh again when I remove an orangelo from my skirt and offer it as a snack to everyone “I know it looks like alien baby spawn, but it tastes good!”

Seeing as you’ll be contacting me soon, I’ll give my email address, I check it far more often than my phone, which I last saw under the seat of my truck when I drove it to the junk yard last May, sarahwritescreativethingshere@gmail.com . Also in case you missed it, that was a hint that I’ll need a car and a chauffeur. I’ll look forward to hearing from you.

Dragon fruitily and sometimes kumquatily yours,

The Great Unwashed

For the record I still don’t see what’s wrong with my cover letter. Admittedly it’s never gotten me a job, but who reads those things anyway?

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