Armpits, Ponies and Mystical Training Bras : The Unsent Cards of Valentine’s Day Past

Every February, without fail, I would painstakingly write out all of my classmates’ names and then sign my own on the Barbie/Ninja Turtle/ Rainbow Bright pre-cut Valentines my mother bought. It was a painstaking process. Mostly because I didn’t like the majority of the people I was giving them to. A fact that concerned my parents, “Unwashed, we’re sending you to therapy, you don’t have any friends, so you need to learn how to play nice.”

The biggest problem was that I didn’t want to play nice. However that argument didn’t work on the playground or in heart-covered, impromptu, paper bag mailboxes. So every year, I dutifully wrote out all my classmates’ names on individual tiny cards and signed my own.

Here are the Valentines I wanted to write.

Nothing says affection like crime fighting reptiles and bad puns. (Photo Credit : tumblr.com)

Nothing says affection like crime fighting reptiles and bad puns. (Photo Credit : tumblr.com)

To : Jimmy

The sound you make when you blow your nose is super gross. Also please stop putting your used Kleenexes in my desk, that’s grosser.

From : Unwashed

I never figured out whether it was dye or some sort of life threatening disorder that made the horse's mane multi-coloured. (Photo Credit ; pinterest.com)

I never figured out whether it was dye or some sort of life threatening disorder that made the horse’s mane multi-coloured. (Photo Credit: pinterest.com)

To: Janice

I like your pony bracelet. I liked it less after you beaned me with it. I hope ponies bite.

From : Unwashed

To: Joshua

My feelings for you are ambivalent- my mom made me write this card.

From : Unwashed

Poor Josh, he didn't even warrant a brand name card. Only I would have crossed out the love and wrote "from". Don't want to give him any ideas. (Photo Credit : ivillage.ca)

Poor Josh, he didn’t even warrant a brand name card. Also I would have crossed out the “love” and written “from”- wouldn’t want to give him any ideas. (Photo Credit : ivillage.ca)

To : Ainsley

I noticed you wear a training bra. Is this because you have breasts? How did you grow them? Please send me instructions.

From : Unwashed

To : Damien

Farting with your armpits is only funny sometimes. You don’t seem to understand this based on the daily fake flatulence symphonies our class is treated to.

From : Unwashed

I would have added the words "Once a week, maybe twice but only when pretend to fart the flight of the bumblebee." (Photo Credit : pinterest.com)

I would have added the words “Once a week, maybe twice but only when you pretend to fart the flight of the bumblebee.” (Photo Credit : pinterest.com)

To : Jordan

You scare me. Sometimes I wish that a piano will fall on you. All the other times I run when I see you coming.

From : Unwashed

My eight year old thought process "I'm not sure whether the Power Ranger tattoo with make Jordan more or less scary. At least this one is temporary, however that is one kid that is destined to be covered in ink." (Photo Credit : blog.samuraicast.com)

My eight year old thought process “I’m not sure whether this Power Ranger tattoo will make Jordan more scary or less scary. At least this tattoo is temporary, however that is one kid who  is destined to be covered with ink.” (Photo Credit : blog.samuraicast.com)

To : Austin

I like you. I think our wedding should be teddy bear themed.

From : Unwashed

After three sessions I decided I liked talking to the therapist even less than the kids at school, so I cut a deal with my parents that I would make friends if I didn’t have to go to therapy anymore. I think this process wouldn’t have gone nearly as well had I expressed my true sentiments through my Valentine cards.

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2 thoughts on “Armpits, Ponies and Mystical Training Bras : The Unsent Cards of Valentine’s Day Past

  1. Pingback: We’ve Upped the Ante, Forget Days of the Week Underpants, We’re Bringing Out A Valentine For Friday | The Great Unwashed

  2. Pingback: Armpits, Ponies and Mystical Training Bras : The Unsent Cards of Valentine’s Day Past – The Countdown Continues | The Great Unwashed

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