An Open Letter to Undergrads

Dear Young People,

Based on the sheer number of you loitering about the university campus staring at your phones when you ought to be lying in bed nursing a hangover, I’m forced to conclude that the younger generation has become too responsible. Twenty somethings, it is your duty as the legal aged youth of the world to cause havoc, not only are your inebriated nocturnal adventures endlessly amusing to watch through partially closed curtains in the wee hours of the morning but they give me something to write about. As the newest crop of drinkers, it is your job to provide the entertainment. Someone has to do it, and it certainly won’t be the elderly.

Wait, I take that back. This looks like it's about to get wild. (Photo Credit : jackcollier7)

Wait, I take that back. This looks like it’s about to get wild. (Photo Credit : jackcollier7)

After all, even the hippest of the hip old people; Hugh Hefner has been married for almost two years.

Don't pretend you didn't see this coming. Even the world's biggest bachelors have got to settle down. However young people, now is not your time. Please sleep with everyone. (Photo Credit: justjared.com)

Don’t pretend you didn’t see this coming. Even the world’s biggest bachelors have got to settle down. However young people, now is not your time. Please sleep with everyone. (Photo Credit: justjared.com)

It isn’t only your recent penchant for studying and attending classes that has led me to this conclusion; there has been a distinct lack of debauchery in my life recently. I can’t recall the last time I found a hamburger upside down on my car or woke to the sound of shrieking only to see a bare bum flash past my living room window.

This new found studiousness and sense of responsibility has to stop, one of you needs to get drunk and make poor decisions. Ideally in front of my house. I won’t even mind if you pee on my garden in the process. At this point I would settle for a drunken soliloquy about how midriffs are so hot right now.

In conclusion undergrads, please think more about vodka and less about your business ethics course. If not for your sake than for my blog’s.

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