It’s come to my attention that people are making resolutions left, right and center. Which is great however they aren’t making the right ones. So I thought I’d release my list of New Years Resolutions so my readers will know where to start when making their goals for 2014.

1. Bathe Less

All this talk of global warming and yet everyone is still walking about smelling like a daisy. If you can count your showers per week on one hand you are cleaning yourself too often.

2. Forget Gyms

I have not attended a gym in well over a decade. If you feel the need to frequent a place filled with scantily clad people and grunting men; go to a strip club. It costs approximately the same amount in the long run based on what I hear about membership fees.

3. Eat Whatever the Heck You Like

My personal philosophy on food is- if you enjoy it, eat it. So I do. I eat concepts like they’re going out of style; local, homemade, unprocessed. I eat ideas like they’re watermelon at a picnic. To me there’s nothing more delicious than a breakfast of theory with some jam slathered on it.

Wait, is this organic, hand-made and local? It is? Ok, do you have some pretentious sauce I can drizzle on it? (Photo Credit : eatthedamncake.com)

4. Sleep More

I love sleep. And I need it so badly after going to all those strip clubs.

5. Don’t Listen To Me

Clearly I have no idea what I’m talking about.