Bill Paxton Is My Pimp

I wrote the following message to Bill Paxton.


Dear Mr. Paxton,


You are trustworthy, reliable, serious and devilishly handsome. These are all qualities that make an excellent husband. Please marry me. I want to cook for you. I think you look hungry. Actually, if I’m being honest, all of Hollywood looks like that, however I only want to feed you.


Not feed as in lie in bed and put pieces of cupcake in each other’s mouths, more like feed as in make you soup. Because that’s true love- banana bread and lentils.


Let me know your answer, I’m ready to move in and start having your attractive babies whenever you give the word.


Much love,


The Great Unwashed

English: Bill Paxton at the Dallas Internation...

When I see this face I want to stuff it with egg salad sandwiches. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In a marriage it’s always important to be honest. Hence why last night I decided to tell Roscoe about my card to Bill Paxton. Although I would concede that in the grand scheme of things it’s unlikely that Bill Paxton would ever A) receive my letter and B) consider it even if my lentil recipe is the talk of the town. It’s kind of like a matrimonial version of the lottery- you buy a ticket but don’t expect to win. Even still I like Roscoe to be aware of everything that goes on in my life.


The Great Unwashed while taking out her earrings and getting ready for bed – “So I wrote to Bill Paxton today saying I wanted to be his wife and cook for him.”


Roscoe shocked and bordering on enraged- “You DID WHAT?”


The Great Unwashed taken aback by the magnitude of Roscoe’s anger, turns around to face him- “I said I asked Bill Paxton to marry me and wrote that I want to cook for him.”


Roscoe relaxes, visibly relieved –“I heard “h” not “c”, I was worried there.”




3 thoughts on “Bill Paxton Is My Pimp

  1. Bill Paxton was in Titanic. This movie defined my romantic adolescence, which means that he and all other cast members (particularly Leo DiCaprio) are forever entitled to marriage and baked goods from me. No one has taken me up on this offer so far, but I have high hopes (particularly for Leo!). Brent knows about accepts this fact about me.

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