So this post is a little late. I wrote it on Canada’s birthday weekend. That’s right all my international readers, you missed Canada’s birthday. But it’s ok. I don’t know your birthday so I certainly don’t expect you to know mine or my country’s for that matter. Although I do expect you to know about my toe bandaids. They’re amazing and protect the soles of your toes from forming blisters in any type of footwear. These bandaids are so awesome that it doesn’t even matter that I haven’t invented them yet.
Roscoe bought me a puzzle for the long weekend.
A bit of information for my non-Canadian friends; around here we take the birth of our nation very seriously, we discount beer, pack kegs onto trucks and then ship our populous to cottages. The ultimate birthday party. Except I wasn’t invited. Roscoe had important doctor studying to do and wanted me out of his hair, hence he bought me the best puzzle in the whole world.
It featured thirty-nine multicoloured cupcakes. I finished it Monday night just as Roscoe was putting the finishing touches on a set of notes so heavy and cumbersome that they almost match my truck’s snow tires in size and weight.
Buying the world’s best puzzle doesn’t sound like an incredible feat, but it is. Only those who have purchased truly bad puzzles can understand. And tragically, unlike melons, the girls at the checkout won’t tell you when you’ve got a bad one.
Buying a Moldy Melon at the Grocery Store
Cashier at the Grocery Store – “Uh Ma’am?”
The Great Unwashed in a high-pitched, slightly panicked voice – “That will wipe right off! Honest.”
Slightly amused but really just tired Cashier at the Grocery Store- “Huh?”
The Great Unwashed who is visibly relieved at this point-“Never mind.”
Cashier at the Grocery Store- “Do you want to go grab another melon? This one is covered in mold.” Holds up a really, really moldy cantaloupe.
The Great Unwashed recoils- “Uuuoollagh, yes.”
That’s what happens at the grocery store.
This is what DOESN’T happen at the puzzle store.
Cashier at the Puzzle Store-“Uh Ma’am”
The Great Unwashed – “That food colouring from the slushie will come right out after eight washes. I swear. And it was an accident.”
Cashier at the Puzzle Store looking slightly quizzical – “Pardon me?”
The Great Unwashed- “I mean how can I help you?”
Cashier at the Puzzle Store now very confused and a little suspicious- “This puzzle you’ve chosen was poorly cut. Not only will the pieces stick together when you are trying to separate them but they will also stick together in ways that they shouldn’t so you will think you’ve solved it but have two giant handfuls of green and blue seagrass left over.”
The Great Unwashed- “Oh! Thank you so much.” Runs to put the poorly cut puzzle back and returns with a different puzzle with brighter colours that is slightly more expensive.
Cashier at the Puzzle Store- “Uh Ma’am?”
The Great Unwashed- “Those Jolly Ranchers were there the whole time- Scout’s honor!”
Cashier at the Puzzle Store- “What?”
The Great Unwashed- “Has anyone told you that you are a valued part of our community today?”
Cashier at the Puzzle Store blinks with a questioning look- “Ma’am you look like the kind of woman who is a GIANT pain in the butt. This puzzle, although fun looking is too easy for you. My guess is that you’ll finish it in under six hours and then I have no idea what you are going to get up to. Think one thousand pieces not five hundred.”
The Great Unwashed-“ Why I AM a giant pain in the butt! My husband tells me so every day!” Grabs the entertaining looking puzzle and heads back towards the shelves. “Duly noted, thank you!”
That has never happened to me. Ever. I bring home the worst puzzles and then I either give up from frustration or finish them and cause Roscoe to give up work from the frustration of having me in his hair. However this weekend was the exception. Roscoe bought a colourful, one thousand piece, well cut, difficult, cupcake puzzle. The only thing he heard intermittently all three days was
“I love this puzzle!!!!”
And I did. But now it’s finished, which means the crumby hot air balloon puzzle with washed out colours and pieces that stick all together in ways they shouldn’t, will cover our dining room table.
Someone really ought to invent a puzzle connoisseur or a store where people can go to purchase high end, challenging puzzles in the same manner that you’d buy the contents for fruit salad. Perhaps I shall invent that product rather than continuing with my toe bandaid idea.
Also to all those who sent get well cards- Thank you, I’m feeling much better now. My toe sole blisters have nearly healed.
As well, you might be able to understand from this post why Roscoe has gone around to the food courts in our area and handed out flyers with my face on them with the words “Do Not Sell To This Woman” typed underneath. He accuses me of being a messy eater. I counter that he’s narrow minded and I am merely using the world as my plate. Regardless I’ve noticed an increase in the number of stores in the city which have “No Food At Anytime” signs.