This message was my first communication with Phillip*, my sister’s new boyfriend who claims to be 6’6. By the by, the standard height for most doorways is 6’8. As Phillip has to duck under many doorways, I don’t know whether to believe him.
Prior to this email I had never met Phillip, spoken with him or had any sort of interaction with him. I got into a tremendous amount of trouble for writing this. There were more than a handful of people who thought that both my sister and Phillip would never speak to me again in response. However I felt obliged to send it after hearing what my father and sister had answered when Phillip had asked about me; “What’s your sister like?” Both my Dad and Diana had sat and thought for a moment before replying succinctly and emphatically “Different”. Although this was a somewhat accurate description I still felt it thoroughly unfair so I thought it would be best if I had the chance to make my own impression upon the young man.
I have been informed that you were told that I was “different”. I am sending this message to counter that I am not, I am completely normal, unlike you who could double as a giant. However I would like you to know that unlike some of my short contemporaries I would never hold your excess of height against you. That aside, it must be said that I may ask to walk around in your shoes as I picture them to be size eighteen and I enjoy impersonating Ronald McDonald on occasion.
This is not to say that your feet are amusing in any way, your shoes on the other hand when worn by much smaller feet however are.
I look forward to meeting you at my mother’s birthday party. I do hope that it is not your third time meeting her as much like the third-date-sex-rule, the third meeting is when she commences eating you alive. Don’t be afraid she starts small, a former boyfriend of mine discovered his earlobe was missing following the third meeting. Pity it was- I bought him that earring.
*Names have been changed to protect the identities of certain enormously tall persons even though said giant persons don’t actually require any protection. If I had my pick I would have Phillip as a partner in a bar fight.
Also my mother is not a cannibal she only eats people alive metaphorically. Although you will want to avoid the hot sauce, she does love barbeque.